Thank Goodness

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints we hear this phrase a lot;

               "Wait on the Lord's timetable, there is a plan for you."

Most of the time, I feel like this phrase follows experiences of rejection. I've actually heard this expression often... (one does not make it through the majority of their 20's without coming face to face specifically with rejection... over and over... I think this decade of most of our lives could easily be summed up with that one word...) And unfortunately I got to the point where, because of facing what I felt like was too much rejection, I didn't let that phrase sink in anymore.

I was at this place where I was asking things like, How many more guys will I have to date (or TRY real hard to date...) JUST for it not to work out? How much longer will I feel passionate about raising families, but not have the chance to do so with my own? How many more times will I search and study and pray and fast to make the best decision of how to move forward and accomplish my "purpose" in this life, just to discover that it was not quite the right purpose... yet AGAIN??

          I was ready to give up.

Not on one thing in particular, but more like giving up the general effort of trying to become, and instead just kind of exist... and just let myself be entertained along the way... not a great life plan, obviously, but I was past the point of exhaustion from all that trying, and all that being rejected.

So I prayed. I told Heavenly Father that I was exhausted, and then I kinda did give up.

Now, I could write a whole book about why/how not to do that, but the summary of it would be  this; DON'T do that. It sucks (sorry mom I know you hate that word), but seriously, it hurts you and ends up being a painful road to walk. Plus, here's the deal, Heavenly Father KNOWS you, LOVES you, and wants you to SUCCEED... and I guarantee He's been guiding you AWAY from what would hurt you and hinder your progression, and I KNOW He's been leading you TOWARDS your greatest potential.

So after I stopped whining long enough to get my butt up and be proactive about doing the things I knew would make me happy (reading my scriptures, saying my prayers, studying my patriarchal blessing, and specifically going to the temple), I started recognizing little (very little, because I'm a slow learner) by little that my Heavenly Father's hand has been in each "rejection" I've ever faced.

          For example:

     1) Had I gotten married in 2008/2009 when I "thought" I should, I would have regretted my wedding dress choice for the duration of eternity.  Pinterest was not something I had back then, nor was an actual style.

     2) If I had been married back then, I would never have had the chance to be roomies with my sister currently. And I can't even begin to imagine that. Seriously. It's making me cry.

     3) If I had gotten into Grad School when I wanted, I would never have moved to Utah (and never lived close to my siblings, or) started working where I work, and never would have discovered the "niche" of what I really really LOVE to do.

     4) I was diagnosed with a hormone disorder at the age I thought I would have started having kids.  It's a beast and has caused all sorts of issues, but usually it's not discovered until you're trying to have kids and can't and then it's an awfully long road to figure it out... SO, I may have been through 4 doctors, a gazillion diets, and different treatments over the past 6 years to deal with this thing, but hey, I'll be 6+ years smarter about the whole situation when I'm married and ready to start a family! And I'm a ridiculous OCD planner, so that's an unexpected tender mercy.

     5) Without feeling an emptiness for blessings that I have not yet experienced, I may not have needed so badly the Atonement of the Savor or the love from my Heavenly Father. And most of who I am today is a result of the truths I have discovered while prayerfully seeking after those things.

   
So here's my amendment to that phrase we seem to hear so often;
                             
        The Lord KNOWS you, 
     He knows what you're meant to BECOME,
     He has a CAUSE for you to fight.
     Keep moving forward, and TRUST HIM.

                     Oh yeah, and BE GRATEFUL!

Because when I think through all these "rejections" with a recognition that they were actually helpful nudges in the right direction, I definitely feel like "thank GOODNESS"!

Too Happy.

I've been working really hard recently
on finding JOY.
As in, pure, deep, true, lasting happiness.
That usually comes from things like
soul searching, service, and creating something.

Buuuut, there are a few things that make me happy....
...like real happy...

...that are trivial and not meaningful at all...
...but they bring light and color and beauty into my days...
and make me soooooo happy:

1. Painting my nails blue in the summertime,

and black in the winter.

Don't ask me why, I just always do.

2. Rumbi Grill salmon and veggie rice bowl.

And mostly because if I'm eating it,

that means I didn't have to cook.

1. When pumpkin flavored recipes,

and outfits with scarves 

start popping up on Pinterest...

...because that means FALL is coming.

4. Red,

Pink,

Rose,

Burgundy,

Orange,

Salmon,

Coral,

Peach,

Crimson,

Blush,

Ruby Lipstick.

5. Saltwater Sandals.
Because they're kids shoes.
That come in adult sizes.

6. Diet Lemonade
from Chick-fil-a.

7. Hot air balloons.
#magical

8. Star-shaped Watermelon
and blueberry salad.
It's just so darn patriotic.

9. Barbara Streisand movies.
(But we all knew that already)

10. Sparklers.

These things shouldn't make me so happy.
But I just can't help it.

A different kind of Hungry.

I recently blogged about

taking strides to make some physical changes.

And to reach some of those goals,

I've had to experience the feeling

of being hungry.

(Side Note:  I've also been learning a lot about

the sensation of being "Hangry"...

a hybrid of HUNGRY

and ANGRY

due to to being sooo hungry...

it's a real thing...

but that's another blog post for another day...)

Tonight though, I realized that lately

I have also been a whole different kind of hungry.

This week as I have made my way

through the ups and downs of my day to day life,

I have been "hungry" for something;

wanting and craving something;

something that I felt was missing.

But what that something was,

 I just couldn't put my finger on.

I was getting all the things done on my checklist,

but I still felt an emptiness that I couldn't fill.

And then tonight as I sat in the temple,

I realized I had really been in need

of the nourishment that is THERE so ABUNDANTLY.

There in the temple,

for the first time in a few weeks,

I experienced a spiritual "feast";

something my malnourished spirit 

was in great need of.

And so now I'll add to my 

fitness/healthy "To Do" list,

along with eating broccoli,

drinking lots of water,

exercising,

getting enough sleep,

and avoiding that terrible awful sugar stuff...

to make sure I feed my spirit.

And not ever go too long without

going to the place where that kind of hunger,

and that kind of need,

can be filled!

"I know your lives are busy.
I know that you have much to do.
But I make you a promise
that if you go to the house of the Lord,
you will be blessed;
life will be better for you."
--Gordon B. Hinckley

The most romantic scene in a chick flick.

As an aficionado of super sappy, stupid chick-flicks

(who recently, for the first time in weeks... 

actually had time to sit and watch one or two...)

I have discovered the MOST romantic scene.

Ready?

#HESDOINGTHEDISHES

#HEWENTGROCERYSHOPPING

#swoon

#soattractive

I'd cry tears of joy too, Jennifer Aniston.

#canipostthisonTinder ?

Transformation Tuesday.

Ok, I'm fixin' to get real vulnerable, yall.

(And not just with the Texas vernacular, either.)

So, I've recently lost 15 pounds.

And that was hard.

I seem to be built to be curvy,

and my body seems to be vehemently opposed

to getting into shape.

But with the help from

a great personal trainer/nutrition coach,

and good friends to be my "gym buddies",

I've reached that goal.

Here's the deal though,

that's not my final goal.

I still have pounds to lose,

muscle to build,

and strength and endurance to gain.

And truth be told,

it's not getting any easier.

In fact, it's getting even harder.

I've been so frustrated with myself the last week

for my lack of continued progress,

that unfortunately,

that frustration has snowballed

into an even bigger frustration with myself

for ALL the goals I have yet to fully accomplish.

I seem to make 

the same mistakes over and OVER.

And it drives me CRAZY.

I have SO FAR to go!!

But while wallowing in self pity, 

I came across this quote,

"At the end of your lives 

you will not be judged by academic successes... 

the positions held, the material wealth acquired, 

or power and prestige, 

but rather on the basis of 

WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME as people 

and WHAT YOU ARE 

in CONDUCT and CHARACTER."

(thank goodness for President Howard W. Hunter)

So, don't forget that each time you try... 

and subsequently try AGAIN,

you may not quite reach your goal,

but you are becoming someone

stronger

wiser

better

more empathetic

kinder

more patient

softer hearted

and you're improving your character.

And that's what counts!!!

#KEEPGOING

Pretending to be an Interior Decorator

Suuuuper grateful for a GORGEOUS

updated apartment...

sooo, of COURSE

I had to decorate it...

...with a gazillion colors.

Living Room:

Kitchen:

Hallway and SHELVES...

a dream come true!!!

Bathroom:

Bedroom:

Aaaand, obligatory selfie when I was all finished...

I'm seriously in LOVE with it.

And so sooo grateful!!!!!

And now I'm off to go watch HGTV for a few more hours....

Who are you??

I learned a really important lesson this week.

Early in the week, a friend of mine told me that she has her kids say "statements of affirmation" about themselves every morning before school.  Things like "I am smart"  "I am beautiful" "I am a good friend" "I am a good swimmer"  "I am a good student".  Dang. So cool right??  I was sooo impressed.  What a great confidence booster to start off your day!  I mean seriously, before they face any of the challenging, discouraging, or frustrating situations with schoolwork or friends, they're equipped with the TRUTH about who they are and what they are capable of.

I couldn't stop thinking about how profound that whole concept is, and I was inspired a few days latter to suggest that someone else try it out.  They had really been struggling to reach one of their personal goals, and had been trying for months with little success.  As an observer in the situation, I could see that they were MORE than capable of reaching that goal, but because they had consistently failed at it previously, they had no hope that they could reach their goal.  That caused them to throw their hands up and quit each time they attempted their goal and wavered at all--before they'd even given themselves a chance to really TRY to improve!  They had all the right things in place to be successful, but refused to believe that they actually could be successful.  I thought about my friend and her kids' "statements of affirmation", and then asked this person, "Who are you?"  They blinked confusingly and answered with their name, but then I said "Did you know that you're good at this?  You are a good [fill in this blank with a hard goal to reach]-er."  They were totally taken aback by that suggestion.  So I took full advantage of the sheer confusion, and told them to say that with me, "Say 'I'm [their name], and I'm a good [their goal]-er.'"

They said it.  And then repeated it a few times.  It made them blush, and then smile.  It was incredible to watch what power they gained from saying outloud the TRUTH about who they were and what they were capable of.  It was almost like they couldn't deny it anymore, and any outside factors that made them think otherwise were simply not as powerful as that statement of truth that they were thinking, saying, and listening echo through the room.

And then, they started to reach their goal.  Literally like that.

So, I'm going to put that into practice myself.  I'm setting a goal to say "statements of affirmation" each morning to remind me who I really am and what I am capable of, starting with:

I am Amanda, and I am a daughter of God.

Empty Hearts

     I believe that God exists.  I believe that all human beings were created by God, and that we are all His sons and His daughters.  And I believe that God communicates with his children.

     One of the first things I felt that my Father in Heaven communicated to me, was that I had the potential to be like Him; and specifically, I felt very deep within my spirit, that I was created with the potential, like my Heavenly Father, to care for and raise sons and daughters.  And I felt strongly that there was no more important work I would do in my life than to be a mother to those children.

     My life today is the outcome of trying to follow those and many other whispers to my heart, and promptings to my mind, of what I feel like God would have me do.  Now admittedly, I'm far from making those decisions perfectly, but I have worked hard, and tried my best, to make choices in order to be obedient to those principles that I have felt in my heart are correct.  I can't deny that my life has been very blessed as I've tried to live that way.

     And yet, because I have always felt so strongly of the importance of having a family, there are times that despite the blessings that have been so abundantly poured into my life, I feel a deep and inconsolable emptiness because of those blessings yet to be experienced.  And as my life continues to progress through twists and turns of work and relationships and experiences, it almost seems as if that empty space grows bigger and the ache it causes becomes less bearable.

     But, the further I delve into that work and those relationships, and those experiences, I also realize more and more, that everyone harbors their own empty spaces within themselves.  That emptiness is not unique to me and my life's situation.  Everyone has something missing; something in the form of relationships, something physical, something temporal, something spiritual, something mental.  As I've watched the people I love struggle deeply to find solace in seemingly unending emptiness, and I've felt in myself longings for the answers to years and years of praying for my own emptiness to be filled, I've wondered why that is something a loving Father in Heaven would allow his children to experience.  Why withhold blessings that come from righteous desires, from His children that I know that He loves?

     I don't have all the answers, or even great philosophical insight into the answer of this question.  And I really think the answer goes much deeper, and has much more eternal consequences then I have the capacity to even begin to comprehend.  But I have come to know this; Heavenly Father wants more then anything to have us return to live with Him, and that requires that we go through the process of being perfected.  I don't think we would understand what great need we had for the redemptive power of our Heavenly Father's gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, if we didn't feel those holes (and honestly, sometimes deep chasms) of emptiness.  The power of the Atonement has the ability to reach so much farther then I understand, but I have felt it patch up pieces of myself that I have felt are missing, and even broken.  And I have chosen to have faith that it will continue to fill those empty parts of myself as I continue to choose to access it.

     I believe that God loves me.  He loves me enough that He doesn't just give me blessings in return for righteous choices, He gives me opportunities to learn and grow and become more like Him.  He doesn't bless me with "tit for tat"; instead He blesses me with what will help me stretch and grow most.  I have "great reason to rejoice" because I know that.  To quote the awesome Relief Society teacher on Sunday:

"We can rejoice NOW knowing that God WILL KEEP His promises."

"My dear brothers and sisters, aren't the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and our membership in His Church great reasons to rejoice?  Wherever you live on this earth and whatever your life's situation may be, I testify to you that the gospel of Jesus Christ has the divine power to lift you to great heights from what appears at times to be an unbearable burden or weakness.  The Lord knows your circumstances and your challenges.  he said to paul and to all of us, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'  And like Paul we can answer: 'My strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me' (2 Corinthians 12:9)"

--President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Only One New Years Resolution...

Just one this year.  Because it's that important.

2015 Goal: No longer worry about 

proving myself to anyone else.

#MoreIssuesThanVogue

#ButThatsOk

#BecauseImWorkingOnIt

I've simply realized that if I were to channel the energy and time it takes to try and prove to people that I'm whatever... smart, pretty, cool, talented, accomplished, etc... to instead worrying about focusing only on improving the person that I currently am, that I could accomplish so much more.  So with my 27th Birthday imminent, instead of worrying that I have to prove that I'm a good person despite the fact I'm not married, or prove that I'm accomplished even if I have yet to do this or that as I officially enter the "dreaded" late-twenties, I'm just going to embrace life and be glad, because I try my hardest to fill it with good.  And it's pretty darn packed with it.

And bottom line, I believe in God, that He is my personal Heavenly Father, and He is omnipotent, SO, He is the only one I ever need to prove anything to.  And since that is what my daily goals and efforts are centered on, I can let all other opinions go.

Whew.

"May we all be faithful in doing the day-to-day, ordinary things that prove our worthiness, for they will lead us to qualify for great things." --James E. Faust