You always have control of TWO things; your ATTITUDE, and your OUTFIT

This kind of feels like
a grown-up dress-up post...

...but it was really fun, hahaha!

It was inspired by my favorite season,

my love for fashion,

the desire to dress up on my day off,

and a PROMO CODE from MIEROGLYPHS

where this adorable plaid and gold bracelet is from!!

Tell them I sent you by using the promo code: AMANDA20

and you'll get 20% off your entire order!

They have really cute patterns to choose from,

and my favorite part is that you can add any quote to the inside.

I've been living by this one lately,

"What if you fail,

Oh, but my darling,

what if you fly?"

...and it's nice to have it to carry around with me now!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING YALL!

Fighters

I admire the fighters. The ones who push through and break out and challenge the wrong. I've watched them all my life in awe and admiration. Passion fuels them, drives them, and moves them. It pushes them do debate and defend with tenacity and vehemence.

I used to think I was too scared to be a fighter. And maybe that was true. The kids that bullied me in elementary school--I admit I was scared to stand up to them. But it wasn't too long before I grew out of the fear. Eventually, I realized I'd just rather not fight. I'd rather wait patiently, until awkwardness pierced the silence, and the bully's mean intensity dissipated. I'd rather create a safe space around me and my friends where we could feel the most happiness. I craved peace not justice, so I'd rather keep to myself.  I've watched a lot of people around me and wondered why they even wanted to fight. I've felt a lot that same way this last week.

Life has taught me it is crucial though to stand up for yourself and those you know have unmet needs; otherwise some basic needs never get met. People and life with drain you dry if you don't stop them. And some people are just cruel and vicious in their need to be powerful and correct. Those people need to be reminded they aren't allowed to be like that. So a level of fight is a part of life. But find myself still wondering at the need to fight. Although, that's just me. My natural tendency is not to clench my fists and defend, but rather to retreat and give space. I don't know which is better.

But maybe the world is actually in need of both. The fighters and the peace seekers. Fighters breed needed change and growth, and peace makers satiate and cultivate habitats where those fight-induced changes can flourish. So I guess they're both needed.

Just try not to forget; whether you're fighting for change or your cultivating growth, at the end of the day, it's about people. It's not about winning, and it's not about perfecting. It's about loving and improving people. And if we want a better world, we all need each other.

Just a little food for thought.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year... FALL

I LOVE this time of year.

Just before the holiday season,

and just before the snow comes too...

Also, did yall see the SUPER MOON??

Seriously tho.

I think growing up in Texas,

where there are only really two seasons;

HOT, and rainy,

this whole in-between-seasons FALL thing

mesmerizes me every year.

Also, every time I trash talk Utah at all,

I walk outside and see stuff like THIS...

But, daaaang. #utahisgorgeous

And I think this week of the year is my favorite because,

autumn and its leaves are still hanging around,

thanksgiving dinner is coming up soon,

Christmas is just around the corner....

and football season is just about over...

haha.

Feeling real thankful.

On Being Enough

I've thought a lot about, and struggled a lot with the concept of being enough. I've listened to and read talks and studies about what defines "being enough". The funny thing is, where I've learned the most about it is actually during my experiences working as a teacher.

I always know my students are enough as soon as they walk through the classroom door. They have everything within their minds, hearts, and character to succeed. And flourish. And add to the world so much light. And actually, most of my students come into the classroom carrying some major learning roadblocks. But no matter what they have to work through or overcome, nothing is too great of a struggle to keep them from reaching their astonishing potential.

It's crazy how much this has taught me too about my own capabilities. As I have literally "preached" (if you will) the truth of individual potential to each of my students, I have found myself each time learning more and more that it's even true for me and my life! I still find this concept exceptionally difficult to grasp on some days, but the more I work and keep moving forward, the more I trust in my own capacity. And I continue to see how I am enough; how I have enough within me already, to become.

The crucial part of this concept of being enough, or whole, for me, comes from a belief that I have access to a relationship with God. That I can at any and all times access the help of an omniscient and all powerful being, who will aid me in reaching goals. And today at a world wide church teacher training meeting (say that 3 times fast), both my teaching and religious worlds collided to help me learn more about myself and the concept of being enough.


We read this verse of scripture about charity, "Wherefore, my beloved bretheren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart... that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this HOPE; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

I realized today that some people struggle with faith, some people struggle with humility, etc... and I struggle to have hope. I sincerely have faith that all things are possible through Heavenly Father, but I don't always have hope that my goals can be met. It sounds contradictory, but that is my fundamental struggle. This lack of hope is what causes me to feel desperate and alone, and overcome with despair and depression at times.

But I also realized today that what I do undoubtedly have faith, and what I do always hope for (despite my own cyclical trials), is a hope that I can become like the Savior. He is my closest friend and I know His character, and love and so deeply admire it. And while I don't always have hope for the aspects of my life; like hope that I will ever be able to run a marathon, or hope that there will be the vocational opportunities for me to create the life I desire for myself, or even the hope that the men I come to love will ever remain faithful and be able to be sealed to me in the temple; I DO have a piercingly bright hope that I can become like the being whom I admire the most, my brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.

And I am making it my choice now to let that hope permeate all other hopes I have, and BE ENOUGH to see me through all trials that I will face.

The only time this could become a disappointing aspiration is if I were to completely stop trying. Then I would lose my reason to hope. And while I know I am so far from perfect, and I know there are multiple times I've taken a few steps forward and then many more steps backward, I also know that I have never stopped trying. I struggle with confidence in my abilities in all areas of my life, but I realized I can be confident in the fact that I have not ever given up.

Today when Elder Holland was talking about being called or asked to serve as a teacher in the church, he said "You were called because of who you ARE, not because of who you are NOT." I had the thought too, that we are also called to help us to become what we are not already. We are constantly being given opportunities to become.

Anyway, the gospel is true, and life is so good, albeit really really hard and confusing at times. Also, people are also full of so much good and light and potential. So remember, it's never that you're not enough. You're always enough. But you also can become exponentially, inexplicably, unfathomably MORE. You just need to be willing to ask, and then keep moving forward without giving up.

They tell me dating is a numbers game...

I've heard a lot throughout my life,

and especially in the last couple of years,

that dating is JUST a numbers game.

Well, I did abominably in math in school,

and while I've tried to grasp the concept

that dating is a game all about numbers and ratios and such,

it's left me somewhat more baffled than before...

BUT,

Today I did line up these numbers:

I've had my heart broken a total of 3 times

(not like little let-downs,

but big-old HEART BREAKS)

AND,

subsequentelly,

Adele has released a total of 3 albums...

Let's talk about planets aligning, tender mercies,

meant-to-be, free therapy, etc...

I don't think I've quite mastered the

"Dating Numbers Game...."

But thank goodness for Adele.

And thank goodness someone is looking out for me.

Been Too Long

So this last year's been rough. And while I'd like to say, I love a challenge, and it's been so great to learn some more life lessons, in all reality it's really shaken me right to my core; my core of people I trust, my core of my understanding of myself, and my core of my beliefs. I've gone to all sorts of measures to hold on to those things as best as I can. I've worked and waited and gone out of my comfort zone, and then eventually I've had to relent and realize that some of those things have had to change. But today I was reminded of some aspects of truth that haven't, and won't, ever change. And it was in the middle of a completely mundane task.

This morning I was asked to go help clean the building that I attend church in each week, as happens every few months or so. I showed up a few minutes late (per usual Amanda), and started to clean the glass doors like I usually do, while the people around me were vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and tiding up chalkboards. Everyone was casually friendly and happy to help, albeit a little groggy first thing on Saturday morning. Nothing outrageously exciting happened or was said, but while I was standing in the foyer with glass cleaner in one hand, and a heavy duty paper towel in the other, looking at the floral print couches you can find world-wide in LDS church buildings, I remembered something.

Now, I've grown up my whole life attending church in similar buildings. In fact, some of my earliest memories are of being in church meetings, or activities in these buildings. I can remember playing hide and seek behind those flowery couches, and laying on my stomach on the matching carpet to read books while my parents listened to the messages being shared. As a kid I went to primary where we sang songs, and had treats and learned about being kind to each other. I always had friends as a teenager because we had youth groups we met with throughout the week to do activities with, or sometimes even service projects. And when I moved away from home to go to college, church was a sanctuary of familiarity even when I was thousands of miles away from anyone and anything I'd grown up with. Church was a warm, and inviting constant. And I loved it there.

Lately though, that hasn't been so. A lot of the people around me have lost trust or an interest in organized religion, and since I don't live with my family any more, I now attend church by myself. Also, life has gotten more demanding over time, and much of what is preached in church asks us to change, and strive to one day become like God, which means we are striving for perfection. And I already feel far from perfect of my own volition; trying to meet work needs, and trying to work on self progression, and really trying to build relationships. Not to mention, so much of religion is centered on families, so the social aspect of church becomes a magnification of all the families and their children, or the couples who are about to start their own families, and there is an inevitable, even if unintentional, alienation of those of us who are full-blown adults who are actively involved in the workforce and community, but have yet to claim our own family unit. So it's become more of a cumbersome task lately to be involved, and to get up and go to church each week.

But while wiping down those glass doors this morning, standing in that foyer so similar to the dozens I've stood in over the years, participating in the mundane, simple task of volunteering to help clean the building, for the first time in months, I felt like I was home.

I realized I was there only because I chose to be. No person knew, or cared in the long run, that I was there. But I chose to be. And I realized I chose to, because deep down that is where I wanted to be, because of whom it does matter to. I realized that no matter what the particulars of my life, no matter how hard or confusing they get, and no matter what is going on around me, God loves me. He's my friend. And He's not a friend who picks sides, or is only a friend if I meet a certain standard. He loves me always. I was standing there in front of that crazy floral couch, and I remembered why it was that I have really come to church all my life. It is because my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, have come to be my closest friends, and I feel their love most when I go to church.

You know those times when you get to talk on the phone with, or meet up for dinner with a friend you haven't seen in years, and you get to talking, and it feels like no time has passed? And despite the fact that your lives are completely different than they used to be when you knew each other before, you still have a deep, devoted love and respect for each other? And your heart is full, and your life is the better for it? And then you always end the conversation with the promise that you'll keep in touch more often? That's how I felt leaving the church building today.

I don't know exactly what the switch was, and I know life will continue to be a challenge. But now, for some reason, today, it is clear to me that I know God, that He knows me, and that I want Him to be a regular part of my life. So I'll overlook the discomfort that sometimes arises, and go to church tomorrow because I want to. Because I want to continue to know God.

"Spirituality, our true aim, 

is the consciousness of victory over self 

and of communion with the Infinite. 

Spirituality impels one to conquer difficulties 

and acquire more and more strength. 

To feel one’s faculties unfolding 

and truth expanding the soul 

is one of life’s sublimest experiences. "

1996: Me and Soph at my baptism

"The Purple Hour" In the Hazy Light of Healing

You know that time of evening

where the sun has almost just set

but a tiny glimmer of its light remains

still

all the shops have turned on lights

and their neon rainbow melds

with hazy lingering slivers of sunlight

a few hours earlier is deemed by photographers

"the golden hour"

but this hour is less golden;

more characterized by indigo's and purples

than golds

I found myself driving tonight during this "purple hour"

in a city I'd promised to hate since I was a kid

in the heart of that very city

the one I live in currently

but promised I never would

I made the trek here three years ago

once plan 'A' fell apart in a blunder;

I was trepidatious at first

but still jumped in with both feet

and soon found myself making a life

nesting into jobs and friends and favorite grocery stores

and this city turned out to be everything it promised to be;

tenatious

and eager

yet old fashioned

and odd;

a place with no place for me

and lately I've been hurt by it

and I've been tired of it

and I've needed space from this place

that's left me with some scars

But I was driving through it

tonight in that indigo hour

and the summer wind and neon lights and fireworks stands

filled me

lightened me

reminded me

excited me...

That restaurant where I had my birthday

that welcomes you like a scene from

an old black and white film

that street where we all danced

unabashed and unafraid

dressed as dinosaurs and princesses and villians

that row of houses

where the trees are a hundred years old

and so many of my students live

that one place

with great fries and salads

where friends have planned futures

and laughed

and cried

that street lamp

that he kissed me under

and I kissed him back

those twists and turns of sidewalk

where I tried to run

but usually just briskly walked

and counted my steps

and strengthened my pace

and pushed my limits

that building

where history still stands

and brick looks grand

and grandma and grandpa

had their 50th wedding anniversary

the temple that burned but was so lovingly rebuilt

lit up in a warming buttery light

that pierced through the darkening

--this one filled me most--

with hope of rebuilding

and excited my very core

with what's to come

And suddenly I realized,

I'd forgiven it

that though it had misplaced me 

and been unwelcoming of me

I have finally embraced the city

and it finally embraced me

Have you ever let a place help heal you?

Well,

thank you, you odd, old fashioned city

for teaching as you have

for letting me learn by trial and error

and leaving me with scars to remember by

but also with an embracing of love and faith and hope

my soul's all warm and fuzzy

and ready to be okay with where I am

in this city

in this life

in this time

So here's to that purple hour

that magical, hazy, healing hour;

it's when the sun sets on yesterday,

and you're on your way towards

tomorrow.

Follow Up: Why I'm grateful I have depression

Mental illness, emotional disability, and afflictions are hard. They're life altering. Trials, struggles and disappointments bring us to our knees and they are roadblocks on our path to success. 

But, (and this is like a Jlo sized but,) that doesn't mean they deter us from living a powerful, successful, and joy FILLED life. Maybe they make us have to work harder for those things, but doesn't that hard work make us even more elated when we finally do reach the finish line??

So here's the deal; I deal with depression daily and it's halted my personal progress, and made me think very seriously about giving up. But I haven't. And this is what I've learned (and re-learned) each of the times I've chosen to keep pushing forward and keep battling through;

1) EVERYONE has faced a deep depression. Even if they don't face clinical, chronic depression, they have (or will) face a situation in life that breaks them. EVERYone. I can listen to people's struggles, look them in the eye, and tell them I am so sorry. And maybe I don't know exactly what they're going through, but I do sincerely know that feeling of hurt and despair, and I'm genuinely sorry they have to face that. It's also an incredible equalizer once you know that. No one is better than anyone no matter what their outward appearance. 90% of the time you really have no idea what that jerk at the DMV is facing, and why they're a jerk, so when you realize that everyone has felt broken or in despair, you learn compassion for them. And patience. And you realize you're absolutely no better than them. You've been there. So I'm grateful for depression because it has taught me sympathy, and taught me how to better relate to people simply because we're all flawed and we've all hurt or are hurting.

2) Everyone is on a spectrum. What I mean is that everyone faces either anxiety, depression, autism, aspergers, OCD, dyslexia, eating disorders, or addictive behaviors, etc... Not all to the extent that we need interventional help, but where we have to come to terms with how we naturally react to situations, and handle pressures. Having to face and admit to myself that I am on one of those spectrums was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, but also incredibly liberating once I finally did.  It helped me to acknowledge my weaknesses (instead of trying so hard to hide them), and then start asking for help to move forward.

3) This one I'm still working on (sorry friends and family), but I have made some progress; it is ABSOLUTELY okay to ask for help. People will surprise you with how much they genuinely want to help you. Also, there are countless resources available to help and support you. Use them!! There is no need to muscle through on your own. That is an extra expense of energy that someone can help you out with.

4) Sleep is a game changer. Don't underestimate the power of a good nights sleep. Don't. Life looks so different in the morning. Or after a good, solid nap.

5) Taking care of yourself will help you be able to take care of others. Don't feel guilty taking time to yourself to sleep, or exercise, or get a massage or a pedicure, or even #netflixandchill, because you are worth investing in yourself. And once you have, believe me, you'll be MUCH better prepared to turn around and take care of others. And work towards your goals. And find happiness, because that is sometimes really hard to do.

6) Your value, and the definition of who you are, does not come from the clinical label of your struggle, or the title of your job, or the amount in your bank account, or your marital status, or the number of accolades you have received. It comes from your instinsic value as a living human being, from your character, and from the way you choose to move forward once you've been broken down. I don't believe this on my bad days. But heavens, when those days pass, I'm on a mission to tell this to everyone. You are more than your struggles. You are worth EVERY effort to try again and again and again. I tell this to my students all the time, to my friends and my family, and I literally say it to myself in the mirror. 

7) Utilize, to the FULLEST, all the "good days". Know that hard days are inevitable no matter who you are or what you face, so remember when it's a good day, to FILL it with service, and goal reaching, and creating and simply relishing in the light and beauty that is life. Because life is SO FULL of those things. And people need YOU so badly.

 

8) As crazy as it sounds, the deeper you feel sorrow, the deeper your capacity becomes to feel happiness. So chock it up to experience when times get tough, because when times get good again, they're gonna feel like someone sprinkled them with pixie dust and sparkly rainbow unicorn sprinkles.

So go be you. Don't wallow. Find your Sasha Fierce. Love people with whatever capacity you can. Let people love you back. Take care of the body and mind and life you've been given. Find the sunshine. Cherish the sparkles. And when days get tough, don't get down on yourself. You are worth fighting for. So keep fighting!

 

Depression

*Disclaimer; this is not a post I ever planned on writing. I'm a pretty darn independent person, so admitting a weakness I constantly face is truly daunting for me. But I have felt strongly to share this, and always try to act on those promptings.*


So, I'd like to address the elephant in the room...

 

... No, no, not that one.

But the one that appeared when you read the title to this post and wondered "What? Depression? What does she know?" or "Is she jumping on the bandwagon to talk about a popular subject?" or probably "Oh no, she's gonna talk about being single again..."

(Haha, that last one was pretty good right??)

But no, this "elephant" of a post is one I've been thinking about for a long time. It's a post about how I have depression.

Yup. Long-term, chronic depression. It's not the kind that people refer to when they say "everyone goes through lows as some point/points of their life." This post is about the daily fight I have with depression. And it's a post that I hope helps at least one person to gain a bit of confidence in recognizing that maybe they too, struggle with a mental disorder that affects them daily. And it's okay.

Now, first of all, depression does not mean someone who sits around and cries all day. Depression by its very definition is actually a condition of general emotion dejection or withdrawal. So to me, depression is a literal weakening; physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

And that's pretty much all I'm going to say about that. I have a Bachelor's degree in Child Development, not a PhD in Psychology, so I'm not out to give a detailed lesson about what depression is. I'm just hoping that if anyone fights with depression, or any mental/emotional struggles on a daily basis, they know that they are not alone. My personal experience is that when I am depressed I withdraw from people and activities in order to simply be able to get by with my daily responsibilities. Because taking on my daily responsibilities gets harder; much, much harder. For example, I love people. And talking to, interacting with, and learning from people is what brings me the most genuine satisfaction. Extending love to people is what stabilizes me if I'm stressed, and what increases my already happy times. Laughing is also my absolute favorite (as we, and anyone who happens to be around me in public places are very aware...). All of those people-oriented activities though, are ones I become much less capable of when my depression becomes too heavy. Sometimes those heavy feelings are triggered by situations (like, *ehem*, my younger sibling getting married before me, etc...), but not always. There are days where I wake up and that dark cloud is just there.

And good grief life is already hard, so adding another element of burden and stress and worry and deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy makes life unbearable. Have you felt that?

Well listen to me; there is hope. There is ALWAYS hope. Someone pointed this out to me recently after a particularly bleak and hopeless time, and I realized that no matter what I have faced, and then how much more challenging those struggles have become when depression kicks in, eventually, there is ALWAYS hope. And light. And joy. And good jokes. And good friends. And good food. And art and music and creations of all kinds. Sometimes it doesn't come right away. Sometimes it hasn't come for a long time. But light eventually comes.

Now, I've mentioned and written about before, that I believe in God. I believe in a Heavenly Father, and also in His Son, a Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them because I feel good in my heart when I read stories about them, or pray to them. Simple and straightforward. But, my belief in them became a knowledge when I began to struggle with depression a little over 10 years ago. When I have faced depression, the greatest emotion I am bombarded with is loneliness. And it is absolutely debilitating. To feel like I have to detach because I'm not good enough to be loved, or be successful, or reach my goals is a pitiful, hopeless, crippling feeling. And it's one I face almost daily, so sometimes it becomes too much for me to fight, and I begin believe in those thoughts and voices. And they're damn loud. So no one person has been able to help me change those thoughts in the moment, no matter how hard and lovingly they have tried. I don't believe in those moments that they understand what I am facing, and so I don't (and really, can't) let their words sink in.

Eventually though, when I begin to feel stronger, I start to feel light again. And as I am able to begin to move forward, EVERY time, I have realized that I was NEVER alone. One of my favorite quotes about God's love is that His "love never changes... It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. It is simply always there." At times when I have felt the most unworthy of love, I can look back and realize that I was not alone; that the Savior Jesus Christ was sitting there right beside me the whole time.

As I have built a relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ, I have come to realize that believing in them, praying, reading scriptures, and being a good person, does not mean they will take away this, or any other struggle from me. They know what I'm capable of. They know that I can face these challenges, and be TRIUMPHANT. But they DO NOT leave me to do it alone. So don't give up no matter what you're facing. People trust in your ability to overcome. A creator of everything around you, knows you can overcome and be made whole.

You are loved. You are needed. You are important. You are cherished. There are things you are capable of that other people can't do. You're needed. It will be hard. And then it will get easier. And then it will get hard again. But YOU can conquer. And YOU can persevere.

And it's worth it.

It's SO worth it.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that... that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.” Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, and hold fast to hope."

Why it's okay that it's Not Fair.

It's not fair. It's not fair that Keeping up with the Kardashians has a bajillion seasons and Pushing Daisies got canceled after only one and a half. It's not fair that even when I work out six times a week and eat absolutely no sugar I'm still a curvy size 10, and my brothers can eat Taco Bell pretty much daily and stay fit. It's not fair that fair skin tones can't wear neon orange lipstick. It's not fair that a ticket to see the musical, Hamilton, starts at 300 bucks. It's not fair that there is only one decent TexMex restaurant in Utah. It's not fair that some people get to travel for work. It's not fair that teachers make less annually than plumbers.

It's not fair that I'm not married. It's not fair that even though I literally studied Child Development and Family Sciences, and work with kids and families daily, I don't have a family of my own.

It's not fair that my students have to struggle with dyslexia all their lives. It's not fair that we have to helplessly watch the people we love the most, struggle. It's not fair that so many of us have to battle learning disabilities, and mental illnesses, daily. It's not fair that people have disabilities period. It's not fair that some people are completely healthy, and other people have cancer, or need transplants. It's especially not fair when those people are children. It's not fair when kids lose their parents to cancer or illness or accidents. It's not fair when parents abandon their children. Its not fair when marriages end in divorce. It's not fair when people are abused; physically, sexually, mentally, or emotionally. It's not fair when people are starving. It's not fair when people are forced to leave their homes and countries and families. It's not fair when there is war. It's not fair that anyone is prejudice against anyone.

It's not fair that those things are all actually occurrences in the lives of people I love. And it's not fair that there are billions of other people who have lived on this earth, and have faced those things and even much worse. It's not fair.

And I can't explain it. I don't know why it's unfair.

I had someone challenge my belief in God recently because I could not explain these inequitable differences in the world. And frankly, I don't think I'll ever be able to explain them. I'm a simple reading teacher, not a great psychologist, sociologist, politician, or scientist. I can't really even explain to you the three branches of the US government.

But I can tell you this. Because of what I do all day for my job, because my personality is that of a listener and I have heard SO many people's life stories, because I am the oldest and was thrust into the roll of "nurturer" from almost the beginning of my life, and because everything else I have tried to base my life on has failed; I have come to the conclusion that the point of life and hardships and injustices is to teach us to love.

And I believe God is the one who allows us to have those opportunities to learn to love. But again, I'm a simple lady. And my simple view is that life is unfair in order for us to learn how to really love; and maybe you don't believe like I do, that it is God that orchestrates those experiences. That's fine. I don't care. I also don't care if you are a republican or democrat. I don't care what your sexual preference is. I don't care what race or gender you are. We can ALL identify with the need to be loved. So we can all acknowledge the absolute necessity to learn HOW TO love, and how to love BETTER; how to better love people that have the things we so desperately want, how to better love people with less, and how to better love the people who live lives we don't understand or agree with.

So why do bad things happen to good people? Why is it that some people never get the things we work our whole lives for? Why do things fall apart and bring us to our knees?? Well, one way to choose to look at it would be that we are being given one more opportunity to learn sympathy, empathy, compassion, charity, and pure unbiased love. But ultimately we make that choice. I just think it's a choice that would literally change the world.

(Semi-Serious) Self Reflection

1) I've lived twenty two
of my twenty eight years in Texas, 

but I only speak in a southern accent
when I get REAL fired up... 

so if you want to hear my drawl,
ask me about dating in Provo, 

ugly men's shoes,
helicopter parents, etc...

(And if you need proof
that I really did grow up in Texas,

here's my Prom date y'all...)

2) I am not thin,
but also not plus sized, 

I am in-between-sized 

(and I actually have really come
to like about myself, 

but I wish Target had a
special line of clothes for me

 as crazy cute as the
plus size line they have!)

Seriously though!!

3) Also, I don't think my body

 is physiologically destined
to ever have a six-pack.

Exhibit A:

4) My friendship relationships 

are like a Gilmore Girls episode; 

quick-witted conversation, 

inside jokes, 

love expressed in the form of junk food... 

...And on the other hand,

 my romantic relationships 

are like a Bronte sisters novel; 

usually ill-fated, and a little bit crazy... 

5) I legitimately believe EVERYone
is beautiful/handsome 

in their own unique way 

(except maybe Donald Trump...)

and I will tell you when I see you... 

...and MEAN IT!!

Just some realizations as of late.

28 Lessons Learned in 28 Years

     I think this post (and blog in general) is mostly for me... it is pretty much the only journaling I've done in YEARS... plus, I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and this is the result. So without further ado, here are my 28 lessons I've learned in my 28 years thus far:

1) Every year I care less and less what people think of me. It's the best feeling ever, so bring on more birthdays please.

2) Laughter makes EVERYTHING better.

3) PEOPLE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT. More important than things, or awards, or power, or money.

4) Support others, and build a support system of people around you, and you will always be okay.

5) INVEST IN YOURSELF; eat healthy foods, exercise, go to the dentist regularly (maybe even get an electric toothbrush), use a good face wash, and get a massage and/or take a bubble bath every once in a while.

6) INVEST IN OTHERS; write cards and letters, make cookies, take trips just to visit people, LISTEN, take an interest in people.

7) Hang out with people who are very different than you.

8) TRAVEL.

9) Eat ALL the foods. (Or at least TRY all of them.)

10) Speaking of trying; Go to a football game. Go to a musical. Go to a soccer match. Go to an art museum. Learn how to play lacrosse. Take a dance class. Give it all a try.

11) DON'T LABEL. No good ever comes from the label "pretty" or "handsome" or "ugly" or "smart" or "slow" or "dumb" or "fat" or "thin".

12) DO DIAGNOSE. Really good things come from pin pointing depression, anxiety, ADD, ADHD, dyslexia, Asperger's, autism, hormone disorders, food sensitivities, etc...

13) BE PROUD OF HOW YOU LOOK. I used to have an awful relationship with my reflection in the mirror. Like I would avoid mirrors at all costs. I've worked really hard to appreciate myself though, and it's such a relief to actually LIKE... me. #sometimesSELFIESaretherapeutic 

14) EMBRACE YOUR CRAZY.  Maybe sometime I'll invite yall over for one of my baptist-preacher-style sermons... aka rants... about dating/BYU culture/bad men's shoes...

 Or one of my Adele-sing-your-heart-out-sing-alongs...

15) ...also, sometimes it's okay to swear. it get's the point across very clearly, and releases a lot of emotional pressure...

16) ...also, all men should have beards at some point of their lives, because all girls should have the opportunity to kiss a bearded man at some point... but *ahem* enough about my crazy...

17) LOVE like CRAZY. Even if people don't love you the same way back, or even love you at all. It's ALWAYS worth it to love them.

18) LOVE what you do. 

      "Find something you're passionate about, and stay tremendously interested in it."

      --Julia Child

19) The greateset satisfaction/self esteem boost/motivation comes from working HARD. Like until you're so dead tired. Or your muscles can barely move. This doesn't (and shouldn't) happen ALL DAY, everyday, but it should happen regularly enough it makes you appreciate what you have so much more.

20) CHANGE IS POSSIBLE. Take it from this formerly painfully shy and indecisive girl who was recently described as a "sassy and determined", that we can become COMPLETELY DIFFERENT if we work hard enough and persevere long enough.

21) The Atonement of the Savior Jesus Christ is REAL, and is the only way that deep, lasting change IS possible.

22) God exists. I know He does, because as I have turned to Him in prayer and applied that Atonement--which I have chosen to believe that He prepared for me and for everyone--my life has changed SIGNIFICANTLY for the better.

23) I WOULD NOT BE where I am today without my Heavenly Father. I'd be a total basket-case if left to my own devices.

24) God is PERFECT and ETERNAL, and we are His children, so WE are ETERNAL, and have the potential to become PERFECT through His plan for us. Woah.

25) Families are eternal. Thank goodness.

26) Life is hard, but that doesn't mean it's bad.

27) Good, light, and happiness are ALWAYS available if we choose to seek them out.

28) Lipstick fixes everything. Either that or chocolate-covered cinnamon bears.

"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."

--Mae West

Don't Give Up on Me

I may be an introvert, but I LOVE people. In fact, I have a tendency to love them so fiercely, it wears me out, and eventually I have to retreat to my introvert lair to regroup all by my lonesome... in a bubble bath and watch Netflix and eat chocolate covered cinnamon bears... Don't judge. Caring too much is a real issue sometimes.

Part of the reason it wipes me out so bad though, is because what is so great about people is that they are libel to change and evolution... and that ends up meaning they're not reliable. You can't ever ALWAYS count on someone, because people son't stay stagnant (we don't want them to), they GROW, and that induces change all around them. But, even good changes can be painful for the people who are in their immediate sphere of influence...aka, softies or tender hearts like me, because a lot of times that change means that people leave my little sphere. This can be happy (like if someone gets married, or leaves my ward for a new job or school, etc...), and it can be sad (like if a friendship drifts apart because of differing beliefs or priorities), and it can even be both happy and sad simultaneously.

Sometimes I feel like this has happened in my life waaaaaay more than it should... And in all honesty, I have been wondering lately if I will ever be able to rely on anyone.

Now don't get me wrong, I am so INCREDIBLY blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, uplifting, loving people, but the pace of life these days is very unsettled, and constantly moving, and I feel very often, that nothing lasts very long, And people always seem to leave.

I was thinking about this today and feeling ridiculously sorry for myself, when a friend's experienced popped into my mind. He'd been confused by someone's lack of sincerity and commitment to him, when there was a lesson in church about how we make promises to Heavenly Father to follow commandments, but then we "don't have time" to read our scriptures, say our prayers, etc... And suddenly I realized that while I was whining about people giving up on our relationship or friendship because they got too busy or distracted by other things I was doing that to my Father in Heaven.

Now I acknowlege that I'm endlessly flawed, and so I don't even, AT ALL, expect the people around me to be perfect--especially not perfect, RELIABLE friends, because goodness know I. Am. NOT!!! But, even when we're all hopelessly flawed, I can always, ALWAYS, rely, lean on, believe in, count on, depend on my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. Their love is endless and perfect. And they won't EVER give up on anyone.

"Cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for ALL THINGS MUST FAIL--but Charity is the pure love of Christ, and IT ENDURETH FOREVER; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."

So if you feel alone or abandoned or deeply disappointed by someone you used to be able to depend on, just know that you're NOT alone; you're NEVER abandoned. And don't EVER stop loving the people around you for ANY reason. Because just like you need love, EVERYONE needs love love. EVERYONE. (I mean, come on, even the Super Bowl half time show told us to BELIEVE IN LOVE... and we should always listen to anything associated with Beyoncé...)

Wait For It...

In the interim between starting, and finishing, we generally experience a stage of waiting. One where we tarry through the muck of accomplish-ing on the way to full-blown accomplishment. In fact there is not much that starts, and then immediately, serendipitously, completes right after.

We hear a lot these days about the hardships of "trials" or "struggles" or "difficult times", but I have found that generally, the most arduous and challenging portion of these seasons for us all is the part where we have to wait for them to come to a conclusion. Essentially the point where we've done all we can, and there is literally nothing left for us to do, but wait and see if our efforts will be worthwhile in helping us ultimately reach our end result.

This applies to situations circumstantial, emotional, academic, physical, mental, and spiritual.

And lately I've realized I've lived at least long enough (let's not talk about how close to 30 someone is getting...but...) I've started to see that my choices to not give up on waiting, have brought at least a few good things to fruition in my life. And those things I have waited for, mean the most to me, and I treasure them.

I mean, when you wait 2 hours to go on a ride at Disney World, don't you love the ride itself SO MUCH more??! Especially when sometimes you're concerned the ride will close for repairs before you even get to it, or maybe you'll die of heat stroke, or you just might kill your siblings if you have to wait another 45 minutes in line with them?? But then you get to the ride and it's simply euphoric.

I tell my students all the time that if they'll keep working hard just a little longer, reading and learning WILL become more automatic, and less of an uphill battle on a daily basis. And EVERY TIME, the ones who stick it out, and really do work hard--succeed. Every. Time.

Not to mention, I do believe in God. And I do believe He waits for the Prodigal Son (or daughter, um, me... ALL the time) and my goal in life is to become like Him, so if He can wait for me--who messes up, and makes Him wait over and over and over--I can wait for Him. I can wait for Him to answer my prayers to help me understand, to help me prepare for work ahead of me, to help me wait.

Plus,

Remember:

Steven Spielberg waited through 3 film school rejections,

and a 7 day a week, unpaid internship,

before anyone gave him a chance to direct,

Babe Ruth waited through 1,330 strikes

to break the records he did,

JK Rowling waited through 7 years of writing,

12 publisher rejections, and poverty,

before Harry Potter was given a second glance,

Abraham Lincoln waited through bankruptcy,

MANY career failures,

and a Civil War during his presidency,

(which he didn't even get to witness the end of),

but he KINDA changed the course of history

So maybe you and I can keep holding on, 

and wait it out a little longer??

"It most often come in the form of a puzzle--one piece at a time. Each individual piece may not be easily recognizable by itself; it may not be clear how it relates to the whole. Each piece helps us to see the big picture a little more clearly. Eventually, after enough pieces have been put together, we recognize the grand beauty of it all. Then, looking back on our experience, we see that the Savior had indeed come to be with us--not all at once but quietly, gently, almost unnoticed."