"The Purple Hour" In the Hazy Light of Healing

You know that time of evening

where the sun has almost just set

but a tiny glimmer of its light remains

still

all the shops have turned on lights

and their neon rainbow melds

with hazy lingering slivers of sunlight

a few hours earlier is deemed by photographers

"the golden hour"

but this hour is less golden;

more characterized by indigo's and purples

than golds

I found myself driving tonight during this "purple hour"

in a city I'd promised to hate since I was a kid

in the heart of that very city

the one I live in currently

but promised I never would

I made the trek here three years ago

once plan 'A' fell apart in a blunder;

I was trepidatious at first

but still jumped in with both feet

and soon found myself making a life

nesting into jobs and friends and favorite grocery stores

and this city turned out to be everything it promised to be;

tenatious

and eager

yet old fashioned

and odd;

a place with no place for me

and lately I've been hurt by it

and I've been tired of it

and I've needed space from this place

that's left me with some scars

But I was driving through it

tonight in that indigo hour

and the summer wind and neon lights and fireworks stands

filled me

lightened me

reminded me

excited me...

That restaurant where I had my birthday

that welcomes you like a scene from

an old black and white film

that street where we all danced

unabashed and unafraid

dressed as dinosaurs and princesses and villians

that row of houses

where the trees are a hundred years old

and so many of my students live

that one place

with great fries and salads

where friends have planned futures

and laughed

and cried

that street lamp

that he kissed me under

and I kissed him back

those twists and turns of sidewalk

where I tried to run

but usually just briskly walked

and counted my steps

and strengthened my pace

and pushed my limits

that building

where history still stands

and brick looks grand

and grandma and grandpa

had their 50th wedding anniversary

the temple that burned but was so lovingly rebuilt

lit up in a warming buttery light

that pierced through the darkening

--this one filled me most--

with hope of rebuilding

and excited my very core

with what's to come

And suddenly I realized,

I'd forgiven it

that though it had misplaced me 

and been unwelcoming of me

I have finally embraced the city

and it finally embraced me

Have you ever let a place help heal you?

Well,

thank you, you odd, old fashioned city

for teaching as you have

for letting me learn by trial and error

and leaving me with scars to remember by

but also with an embracing of love and faith and hope

my soul's all warm and fuzzy

and ready to be okay with where I am

in this city

in this life

in this time

So here's to that purple hour

that magical, hazy, healing hour;

it's when the sun sets on yesterday,

and you're on your way towards

tomorrow.

Follow Up: Why I'm grateful I have depression

Mental illness, emotional disability, and afflictions are hard. They're life altering. Trials, struggles and disappointments bring us to our knees and they are roadblocks on our path to success. 

But, (and this is like a Jlo sized but,) that doesn't mean they deter us from living a powerful, successful, and joy FILLED life. Maybe they make us have to work harder for those things, but doesn't that hard work make us even more elated when we finally do reach the finish line??

So here's the deal; I deal with depression daily and it's halted my personal progress, and made me think very seriously about giving up. But I haven't. And this is what I've learned (and re-learned) each of the times I've chosen to keep pushing forward and keep battling through;

1) EVERYONE has faced a deep depression. Even if they don't face clinical, chronic depression, they have (or will) face a situation in life that breaks them. EVERYone. I can listen to people's struggles, look them in the eye, and tell them I am so sorry. And maybe I don't know exactly what they're going through, but I do sincerely know that feeling of hurt and despair, and I'm genuinely sorry they have to face that. It's also an incredible equalizer once you know that. No one is better than anyone no matter what their outward appearance. 90% of the time you really have no idea what that jerk at the DMV is facing, and why they're a jerk, so when you realize that everyone has felt broken or in despair, you learn compassion for them. And patience. And you realize you're absolutely no better than them. You've been there. So I'm grateful for depression because it has taught me sympathy, and taught me how to better relate to people simply because we're all flawed and we've all hurt or are hurting.

2) Everyone is on a spectrum. What I mean is that everyone faces either anxiety, depression, autism, aspergers, OCD, dyslexia, eating disorders, or addictive behaviors, etc... Not all to the extent that we need interventional help, but where we have to come to terms with how we naturally react to situations, and handle pressures. Having to face and admit to myself that I am on one of those spectrums was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, but also incredibly liberating once I finally did.  It helped me to acknowledge my weaknesses (instead of trying so hard to hide them), and then start asking for help to move forward.

3) This one I'm still working on (sorry friends and family), but I have made some progress; it is ABSOLUTELY okay to ask for help. People will surprise you with how much they genuinely want to help you. Also, there are countless resources available to help and support you. Use them!! There is no need to muscle through on your own. That is an extra expense of energy that someone can help you out with.

4) Sleep is a game changer. Don't underestimate the power of a good nights sleep. Don't. Life looks so different in the morning. Or after a good, solid nap.

5) Taking care of yourself will help you be able to take care of others. Don't feel guilty taking time to yourself to sleep, or exercise, or get a massage or a pedicure, or even #netflixandchill, because you are worth investing in yourself. And once you have, believe me, you'll be MUCH better prepared to turn around and take care of others. And work towards your goals. And find happiness, because that is sometimes really hard to do.

6) Your value, and the definition of who you are, does not come from the clinical label of your struggle, or the title of your job, or the amount in your bank account, or your marital status, or the number of accolades you have received. It comes from your instinsic value as a living human being, from your character, and from the way you choose to move forward once you've been broken down. I don't believe this on my bad days. But heavens, when those days pass, I'm on a mission to tell this to everyone. You are more than your struggles. You are worth EVERY effort to try again and again and again. I tell this to my students all the time, to my friends and my family, and I literally say it to myself in the mirror. 

7) Utilize, to the FULLEST, all the "good days". Know that hard days are inevitable no matter who you are or what you face, so remember when it's a good day, to FILL it with service, and goal reaching, and creating and simply relishing in the light and beauty that is life. Because life is SO FULL of those things. And people need YOU so badly.

 

8) As crazy as it sounds, the deeper you feel sorrow, the deeper your capacity becomes to feel happiness. So chock it up to experience when times get tough, because when times get good again, they're gonna feel like someone sprinkled them with pixie dust and sparkly rainbow unicorn sprinkles.

So go be you. Don't wallow. Find your Sasha Fierce. Love people with whatever capacity you can. Let people love you back. Take care of the body and mind and life you've been given. Find the sunshine. Cherish the sparkles. And when days get tough, don't get down on yourself. You are worth fighting for. So keep fighting!

 

Depression

*Disclaimer; this is not a post I ever planned on writing. I'm a pretty darn independent person, so admitting a weakness I constantly face is truly daunting for me. But I have felt strongly to share this, and always try to act on those promptings.*


So, I'd like to address the elephant in the room...

 

... No, no, not that one.

But the one that appeared when you read the title to this post and wondered "What? Depression? What does she know?" or "Is she jumping on the bandwagon to talk about a popular subject?" or probably "Oh no, she's gonna talk about being single again..."

(Haha, that last one was pretty good right??)

But no, this "elephant" of a post is one I've been thinking about for a long time. It's a post about how I have depression.

Yup. Long-term, chronic depression. It's not the kind that people refer to when they say "everyone goes through lows as some point/points of their life." This post is about the daily fight I have with depression. And it's a post that I hope helps at least one person to gain a bit of confidence in recognizing that maybe they too, struggle with a mental disorder that affects them daily. And it's okay.

Now, first of all, depression does not mean someone who sits around and cries all day. Depression by its very definition is actually a condition of general emotion dejection or withdrawal. So to me, depression is a literal weakening; physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

And that's pretty much all I'm going to say about that. I have a Bachelor's degree in Child Development, not a PhD in Psychology, so I'm not out to give a detailed lesson about what depression is. I'm just hoping that if anyone fights with depression, or any mental/emotional struggles on a daily basis, they know that they are not alone. My personal experience is that when I am depressed I withdraw from people and activities in order to simply be able to get by with my daily responsibilities. Because taking on my daily responsibilities gets harder; much, much harder. For example, I love people. And talking to, interacting with, and learning from people is what brings me the most genuine satisfaction. Extending love to people is what stabilizes me if I'm stressed, and what increases my already happy times. Laughing is also my absolute favorite (as we, and anyone who happens to be around me in public places are very aware...). All of those people-oriented activities though, are ones I become much less capable of when my depression becomes too heavy. Sometimes those heavy feelings are triggered by situations (like, *ehem*, my younger sibling getting married before me, etc...), but not always. There are days where I wake up and that dark cloud is just there.

And good grief life is already hard, so adding another element of burden and stress and worry and deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy makes life unbearable. Have you felt that?

Well listen to me; there is hope. There is ALWAYS hope. Someone pointed this out to me recently after a particularly bleak and hopeless time, and I realized that no matter what I have faced, and then how much more challenging those struggles have become when depression kicks in, eventually, there is ALWAYS hope. And light. And joy. And good jokes. And good friends. And good food. And art and music and creations of all kinds. Sometimes it doesn't come right away. Sometimes it hasn't come for a long time. But light eventually comes.

Now, I've mentioned and written about before, that I believe in God. I believe in a Heavenly Father, and also in His Son, a Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them because I feel good in my heart when I read stories about them, or pray to them. Simple and straightforward. But, my belief in them became a knowledge when I began to struggle with depression a little over 10 years ago. When I have faced depression, the greatest emotion I am bombarded with is loneliness. And it is absolutely debilitating. To feel like I have to detach because I'm not good enough to be loved, or be successful, or reach my goals is a pitiful, hopeless, crippling feeling. And it's one I face almost daily, so sometimes it becomes too much for me to fight, and I begin believe in those thoughts and voices. And they're damn loud. So no one person has been able to help me change those thoughts in the moment, no matter how hard and lovingly they have tried. I don't believe in those moments that they understand what I am facing, and so I don't (and really, can't) let their words sink in.

Eventually though, when I begin to feel stronger, I start to feel light again. And as I am able to begin to move forward, EVERY time, I have realized that I was NEVER alone. One of my favorite quotes about God's love is that His "love never changes... It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. It is simply always there." At times when I have felt the most unworthy of love, I can look back and realize that I was not alone; that the Savior Jesus Christ was sitting there right beside me the whole time.

As I have built a relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ, I have come to realize that believing in them, praying, reading scriptures, and being a good person, does not mean they will take away this, or any other struggle from me. They know what I'm capable of. They know that I can face these challenges, and be TRIUMPHANT. But they DO NOT leave me to do it alone. So don't give up no matter what you're facing. People trust in your ability to overcome. A creator of everything around you, knows you can overcome and be made whole.

You are loved. You are needed. You are important. You are cherished. There are things you are capable of that other people can't do. You're needed. It will be hard. And then it will get easier. And then it will get hard again. But YOU can conquer. And YOU can persevere.

And it's worth it.

It's SO worth it.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that... that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.” Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, and hold fast to hope."

Why it's okay that it's Not Fair.

It's not fair. It's not fair that Keeping up with the Kardashians has a bajillion seasons and Pushing Daisies got canceled after only one and a half. It's not fair that even when I work out six times a week and eat absolutely no sugar I'm still a curvy size 10, and my brothers can eat Taco Bell pretty much daily and stay fit. It's not fair that fair skin tones can't wear neon orange lipstick. It's not fair that a ticket to see the musical, Hamilton, starts at 300 bucks. It's not fair that there is only one decent TexMex restaurant in Utah. It's not fair that some people get to travel for work. It's not fair that teachers make less annually than plumbers.

It's not fair that I'm not married. It's not fair that even though I literally studied Child Development and Family Sciences, and work with kids and families daily, I don't have a family of my own.

It's not fair that my students have to struggle with dyslexia all their lives. It's not fair that we have to helplessly watch the people we love the most, struggle. It's not fair that so many of us have to battle learning disabilities, and mental illnesses, daily. It's not fair that people have disabilities period. It's not fair that some people are completely healthy, and other people have cancer, or need transplants. It's especially not fair when those people are children. It's not fair when kids lose their parents to cancer or illness or accidents. It's not fair when parents abandon their children. Its not fair when marriages end in divorce. It's not fair when people are abused; physically, sexually, mentally, or emotionally. It's not fair when people are starving. It's not fair when people are forced to leave their homes and countries and families. It's not fair when there is war. It's not fair that anyone is prejudice against anyone.

It's not fair that those things are all actually occurrences in the lives of people I love. And it's not fair that there are billions of other people who have lived on this earth, and have faced those things and even much worse. It's not fair.

And I can't explain it. I don't know why it's unfair.

I had someone challenge my belief in God recently because I could not explain these inequitable differences in the world. And frankly, I don't think I'll ever be able to explain them. I'm a simple reading teacher, not a great psychologist, sociologist, politician, or scientist. I can't really even explain to you the three branches of the US government.

But I can tell you this. Because of what I do all day for my job, because my personality is that of a listener and I have heard SO many people's life stories, because I am the oldest and was thrust into the roll of "nurturer" from almost the beginning of my life, and because everything else I have tried to base my life on has failed; I have come to the conclusion that the point of life and hardships and injustices is to teach us to love.

And I believe God is the one who allows us to have those opportunities to learn to love. But again, I'm a simple lady. And my simple view is that life is unfair in order for us to learn how to really love; and maybe you don't believe like I do, that it is God that orchestrates those experiences. That's fine. I don't care. I also don't care if you are a republican or democrat. I don't care what your sexual preference is. I don't care what race or gender you are. We can ALL identify with the need to be loved. So we can all acknowledge the absolute necessity to learn HOW TO love, and how to love BETTER; how to better love people that have the things we so desperately want, how to better love people with less, and how to better love the people who live lives we don't understand or agree with.

So why do bad things happen to good people? Why is it that some people never get the things we work our whole lives for? Why do things fall apart and bring us to our knees?? Well, one way to choose to look at it would be that we are being given one more opportunity to learn sympathy, empathy, compassion, charity, and pure unbiased love. But ultimately we make that choice. I just think it's a choice that would literally change the world.