This morning I woke up hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, and not just because I am used to waking up painfully early, and today was a holiday and I set my alarm for much later. I was unable to stay asleep because the thoughts in my head were so loud, and those thoughts have been more and more prevalent lately as this has been the topic of discussion with an alarmingly large group of my absolutely wonderful friends, so I've decided to share these thoughts here in an attempt to quiet them (and maybe be able to sleep through the night), and also in hopes to open the discussion further with people who are maybe embarrassed to bring it up.
So to the ladies who don't get asked on dates; this is to you. And first of all, I feel ya. It's been a solid two years since someone has said the words "I'd like to take you on a date" and purposely sent them in my direction. Technically, once during those two years, I was asked on a date accidentally (long story), and once I was asked over for a dinner party at someone's house and when I showed up, it was just him... so maybe you can count that as a date. I don't know.
Due to these stats, I've personally been doing this thing lately where I've taken inventory of how many of my roommates have been asked on dates and how frequently, and then looked around at the number of coworkers who are married or in serious relationships, and then I've even looked back to think how many dates my siblings/cousins/married friends went on before they got married and I'm like.... the odds are NOT in my favor. Like, can you even create "odds" with zero data??
First of all, DON'T do that. Comparison is the thief of joy. Second, I have learned some important lessons while trying to sift through these realities and how they make me feel, and YOU AND I NEED TO REMEMBER these three things;
1) Finding a compatible companion (or even date for Friday night) actually is statistically really difficult (it's not just you).
2) It's not that YOU are not enough [enter any and all descriptors and qualification measurements here] to be sought after and dated, it's that the timing is wrong.
3) Don't worry so much about it because your worth will NEVER be defined by your relationship status, it will be defined by your character and your integrity.
The odds are not in your favor:
I don't know about you, but I know I am really good at working hard. Give me a task or project, and I'll kill it. I'll put my heart and soul and health and wellness on the line to do my best job (exhibit A: Graduate School, and the 75 hour weeks that have been happening lately). The same goes for relationships. When I have made the choice to care about someone romantically (long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away before this date drought), I have totally put my heart into the act of loving that person. The difference between grad school and a relationship though, is that MY choices and actions concerning work and school produce the outcome. Relationships however, only work if both sides put in an equal effort and have an equal investment in the success of the relationship. So if you're married, take a minute to appreciate that you and your spouse found each other at a time when you were both open to a relationship, you both liked each other simultaneously, and you even both decided to alter the entire course of the rest of your life to commit yourselves to each other... seriously, like what are the odds of that happening with two random human beings walking the face of the earth?? It's really not as easy as the movies make it look. There are SO many factors from all sides of dating equations as to why they might now be happening right now. Just remember that YOU are not the only factor.
"It's all about the timing":
As cliché as this sounds, it is SO true. Life is a constant ebb and flow of overwhelming responsibility and then times where you have the free space to make change and set new goals and open your life up to something like a relationship. Sometimes, there isn't time for dating because the rest of life takes up too much space. Sometimes work gets in the way, sometimes it's family commitments, sometimes school, sometimes other relationships are crucial in your own personal progression to help you to become who you need to be. I haven't experienced this in my life yet, but I've watched a lot of people around me experience the magic of things FINALLY lining up the way that they need to in order for a relationship to progress, and most of them will tell you it's worth the wait. And the waiting can be a pretty sweet space of time (for example; my valentines this year were my kindergarten students, and it was the cutest thing ever.)
"This does not define you."
The hardest part of this not-dating thing for me is the well-meaning questions that people who love me most ask about my dating habits. Half of me wants to yell "Because no one wants to date me!!!" and the other half wants to scream "Because ain't nobody got time for that!!! I've got stuff I've got to get done!!!" And ultimately, as much as I love and admire these people, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what they think. It doesn't matter if I always show up to weddings by myself, it doesn't matter that I'm the only one in the group that doesn't get asked on a date. What matters is that I treat people with kindness, with love, with respect, and greet them with open arms. It matters that I don't get down on myself or anyone else because of my dating status. It matters that I keep working hard and improving myself. It matters that I become the best version of Amanda as is possible. You and I are only defined by the limits we place on ourselves.
So anyway, I LOVE YOU and think you are great. Keep doing you. Keep changing the world. Don't sit around wait for Mr. Right, because he may be occupied at the moment, but DO keep improving and building more meaningful relationships and reaching out to help and love other people. Life can be full of meaning and pure joy... even when you have to take yourself to the movies.
So much love,
Amanda
PS-Men, ask us ladies you wouldn't usually ask out on a date. We're freaking amazing and you're missing out.
