It Makes Me Cry...

There are times in my life I think I'm super tough....

...and these are of course the times that I am the most exceptionally delusional.

I've realized lately how many things make me tear up--every time I see or hear them.  No other circumstances are necessary to cause this reaction; these things just have to exist.  And for some reason, they fill my heart so full of feelings of love and joy and sparkly goodness, that my body can't contain them, and it leaks out through my tear ducts.  So I guess they don't really make me cry... they just make my happiness overflow.

For example:

1) This Van Gogh painting.  Not the Sunflowers painting, not Starry Night.  This one.  I saw it in a museum once, and something about the brushstrokes and colors just got me! Haha, didn't see that coming.  Who knew "Sower at Sunset" would be the most evocative painting I've ever seen??

2) The last scenes of Mona Lisa Smile.  If you've ever taught in any capacity, this one will get ya.  (But just maybe, it's those Van Gogh paintings for me again...)

4) Conversations with my grandparents.  I sure love them, and they've each lived marvelously rich and inspiring lives.  All of their stories are wonderful.

5) This Maurice-Sendak-styled, 1986 version of the Nutcracker pas de deux.  Even though the quality of this video is awful, and the Nutcracker has a thin, creepy mustache, I cry every time.

6) The temple.  It always brightens my life with truth and simplicity.

I used to get embarrassed to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I've come around to being grateful to feel all those emotions (good and bad), deeply.  I mean, what a blessing to be so full of "happy", that my body just can't contain it!

#LifeIsBeautiful

Tender Mercies

"The Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ."

--Elder David A. Bednar

Life is hard.  It can be disappointing.  And it can be lonely.

And also at the same time it can be too full, and overwhelming.

And stress-filled.

Like all day.

Every day.  

But,

It is also undeniably FULL of those tender mercies.

Even for someone with quirky tastes 

and a weird sense of humor like me.

For example,

here are a few tender mercies I have enjoyed recently;

a haircut where my bangs weren't cut too short

glittery nail polish

royal babies

a random shuffle playing Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas"

hippie institute teachers who sometimes dress to match their lessons

discovering my friend and I have similar perspectives on life currently

unexpected kind words from my students' parents

the witty one-liners my students can't help but come up with,

ALL THE TIME,

that make me chuckle out loud

just  enough laundry detergent for all my clothes

Costa Vida quesadillas

the fact that my sister loves Costa Vida as much as I do

having my sister as my roomie

having my sister there all the time to talk about boys...

and such

mis-calculating this month's budget 10 times in a row,

and then because of the miscalculation, 

having an extra $60 left over after bills were paid

random calls from friends 

(which I'm exceptionally bad at returning if I miss them)

that come exactly  at the time I need them

to remind me of all the love I have right there with me all the time

invitations to come over for dinner

random hugs

uplifting, edifying, inspiring emails from my good dad

sweet voicemails, and Little Mermaid shirts from my mom

Barbara Streisand's impending Album

Also, the other night, I was home alone, and a little bummed that such was the situation, when someone came and knocked on my door.  They'd had a rough day, and simply needed to share that with someone, and were only over for 10 minutes, tops.  But when they left, they said "Thank you for being home."  

Uh, yeah, that was a tender mercy.

It knocked me off my feet.

#LifeIsGood

#FeelingLoved

#AndILoveYou

Favorite.

And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come.  Therefore what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when you are swallowed up in the depths of the sea ?

Ether 2:25, Book of Mormon


This is one of my very favorite sections of the Book of Mormon.  When I read it, I always feel like the Brother of Jared, on the banks of the seashore of the great deep; on the precipice of the big events of my life.  I feel like the Lord has helped me, just like He helped the Brother of Jared, to build "barges" that will give me the means to cross the "sea", and has helped me to be prepared in ways I couldn't have had anticipated were necessary.  But there are still elements of the necessities required to accomplish those tasks that lie ahead, that God entrusts to me, and gives me the agency to figure out in my own style.  And then He allows me to take them to Him so that they might be prepared with  Him.

I'm grateful for the light that comes from the gospel, that illuminates my life--always.


Also, I'm grateful for the world's cutest students who bring me McFlurries, and draw pictures of me watching fireworks with them.

 #superblessed #humblebrag #lifeisgood

Thoughts on "Not Being Beautiful Enough"

Bottom line:  No matter who we are, or how old we are, where we live, or what we do, for many, varied reasons, we all have a desire to some extent, to feel beautiful.

First of all, here's the fact I have realized about myself concerning this matter;  I have never, never, ever  felt that I am beautiful enough.  For as long as I can remember.  I've always had issues with my chubby cheeks and what I feel is an abnormally big head, and my hair that refuses to hold any style but its crazy wavy/curly do, and my apple-shaped body, and weirdly muscular calves.  All these "issues" have put a serious damper in my self esteem throughout the years, and in all honesty, have crippled my ability to accomplish certain goals in my life.  And why, you ask, have I felt the need to blog about this, and put this confession up on the internet?  It is because recently I've recognized that this self-professing of a beauty "deficiency" has affected my faith, my health,  my education, my career, and my friendships and dating relationships... and that's ridiculous.  So, something has got to change.  Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one whose life has been adversely affected because of their labeling themselves with a "lack of being pretty".  And the truth  is; the truth that at this point I'd like to get up on my soapbox and shout about; is that while we all want  to be beautiful (and also date and be with "beautiful" people), in reality, NO ONE actually has a need  for beauty. 

And on that note, my second realization about this "wanting to be beautiful', is that the pursuit of beauty  is probably the most fundamentally absurd and counterproductive pursuit humanly possible.  Why have we--throughout the history of the world, mind you--put so much stock, so much money, and so much time and effort into making ourselves beautiful? I mean, come on, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN ACCOMPLISH??  As I've come to these realizations, throughout the last few months I have come across 2 different speeches and 1 article that I feel have backed up my thought that the emphasis we place on beauty is unrealistic, irrational, and detrimental.  And you should watch/reach them.  Here's the gist of them though;

1. "Beauty can't feed you."

A few months back, the 2013 Best Actress academy award winner, Lupita Nyong'o gave a speech at the ESSENCE Black Women in Hollywood luncheon, that completely floored me.  You can watch it here.  In her speech, this exceptionally gorgeous, Hollywood fashion icon talks about how growing up she desperately wanted to look different.  She says "I put on the TV and only saw pale skin, I got teased and taunted about my night-shaded skin.  And my one prayer to God, the miracle worker, was that I would wake up lighter-skinned." **  And then one day she discovered the model Alek Wek, and felt vindicated.  Lupita says, "A celebrated model, she was dark as night, she was on all the runways and in every magazine and everyone was talking about how beautiful she was.  Even Oprah called her beautiful and that made it a fact..."  She then says though of those who had taunted her previously, "to the beholders that I thought it mattered, I was still  unbeautiful.  And my mother [would say to me] you can't eat beauty, it doesn't feed you.  And these words plagued and bothered me; I didn't really understand them until I finally realized that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be.  And what my mother meant when she said you can't eat beauty was that you can't rely on how you look to sustain you. 

What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you.  That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul."

Woah.  Floored.

2.  Our bodies are not inanimate objects waiting to be admired, or even acted upon, they're able to move, create, and speak; they are meant to be used as a tool for good.

In this article in the most recent addition of the LDS Ensign magazine, the author discusses her years of struggling to be at peace with her body.  Even though she put her faith in a God that "looked on the heart", she still felt a pressure to be skinnier.  She even prayed that God would help her on her quest to become thin. **  She eventually grappled with the difference between making changes to be more healthy, versus making changes to look a specific way, but ultimately in the article she says she finds the most peace and satisfaction when her "body becomes a tool to bless the lives of God's children, and proper maintenance and care of that tool demonstrates [her] recognition of His noble purposes.

Regardless of your faith or religion, you have to recognize all that your body can do.  And do  is an action word.  Beauty is not an action.  Your face can be picture perfect, but it can also offer a smile and kind words to others.  Your hands can be flawlessly manicured, but they can also extend to hold, to assure and to comfort others. And your body can be in tip top shape, with muscles built up in all the right places, and an impressively low body fat percentage, but more importantly it can carry heavy loads for people and walk alongside someone who needs a friend.

**I find it interesting to note that both in this article, and in Lupita's speech, these women prayed to God that their physical appearance might be changed; and yet for both of them, that specific struggle with their physical form ended up being the catalyst with which they were able to connect to rather large audiences, to offer poignant insight into the truth about the exquisite worth of each specific person listening.  I definitely do believe in God; that He is omniscient; He is all-knowing, and He gives us physical means with which to reach out and touch and uplift the people around us; as we are each His sons and His daughters.

Alright, so why is it, that if "you can't rely on how you look to sustain you", and that if our bodies were made to be put to work for uplifting purposes; that we worry so much about not being beautiful enough??

3. Unnecessary Shame

In Brene Brown's TED Talk on Vulnerability, she says that because we fear disconnection or rejection, essentially we feel shame if there is something that makes us imperfect, and so we withdraw from others to avoid showing our imperfections.  And to speak from personal experience, that act of withdrawing only makes us feel less attractive, less wanted, less needed, and less important.  And this "shame" is not comparable to feeling guilt that we've done something wrong; it's shame that we are  something wrong. To explain this shame Brene Brown says, "we all know that feeling: ' I'm not blank enough.  I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.'"  And when we're not enough, then we withdraw from others because we think ourselves unworthy of being loved.  That's huge!!!  Now, she goes on to explain the findings of her research on this subject, and how we overcome that feeling of shame by being vulnerable... (it's super awesome, and you should watch the entire talk), but I would suggest that we can simply omit the feelings of shame we harbor due to not feeling we're beautiful enough, because we know that no sustenance comes from beauty.  And we can refuse to withdraw, and instead choose to use the gift of our bodies to give compassion and kindness to everyone we meet!!

Now, real quick, I'm going to make a 180, and also clearly and strongly state that I fully support the idea that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", and I believe you can make the choice to find  beauty wherever you might be, and whoever you might be with.  My artistic heart will never cease to appreciate fashion, or aspire to create colorful compilations of outfits, and I'll still keep wearing high heels because they make me feel taller and empowered.  Plus, I hope I'll always continue to be on a quest to be stronger, healthier, and wiser about how I take care of my body. Not to mention, I will continue for the rest of my life to acknowledge the "beauties" of the people I love and appreciate, and to seek out the gorgeousness in the little pieces of the world all around me!  Because in all those choices, I find a genuine beauty that greatly enhances my life. 

However, I have definitely learned that the measurement of our level of beauty does NOT define who we are; WHO WE ARE is in our substance, character, and charity towards other human beings.  So I'm resolving to LIVE and to BECOME, and desist my relentless seeking after BEING beautiful.  I'd like to make a lasting impression on this life I'm living, and actually make a difference.  And therefore acknowledging the fact that physical beauty can't feed me, or offer support to the people I love, and that seeking after an unattainable goal will only leave me feeling unnecessary shame and resentment towards myself; I think I'll aspire to cultivating a beautiful ability  for kindness, a beautiful mind, and beautiful soul  instead.

To quote Fanny Brice in "Funny Girl",

"You think beautiful girls are going to stay in style forever?  I should say not!  Any minute now they're going to be out! Finished!"

So don't rain on my parade.

NYC Take Two.

One day,

I will live in New York City.

I will live in a tiny (yet charming) apartment.

I will know the subway system well enough

to tell tourists the wisest way to get where they're going.

I'll buy my produce in Chinatown,

my meat from a real butcher,

and my cupcakes and such from Babycake's vegan (aka gluten free) bakery.

I'll meet up with friends for lunch at places like "House of Sandwich",

or I'll  grab a hot chocolate from somewhere like "the Chocolate Room",

(and since we're living in my dream world,

I'll be an accomplished runner 

who runs in Central Park every day)

I'll go on dates to places like the Guggenheim,

or the Met, or catch a show on Broadway.

I'll watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade 

live,

every year.

I'll be a regular at the "brooklyn flea",

And get lost in stores like "Books of Wonder"

(kind of a real-life 'Shop Around the Corner' from You've Got Mail...).

My children will be cool New Yorker's

who wear bow ties and oxfords, 

or stripe-y leggings with peter pan collar dresses to church.

My family will of course be in the Manhattan ward,

and go to the church on the bottom floor of the Manhattan temple building.

Yup. Right there.

But for now, since I love Austin so much,

it is sufficient to simply visit NYC every once in a while.

Or maybe more often than "a while"...

Seeing as I went in May, and just got back from another trip with my family...

And it was as wonderful an adventure as the last.

First of all, I seriously think one of my favorite parts of this trip

was the ordeal of my entire family getting on and off the Subway--

we never lost anyone ; it's a Christmas miracle!

And these handsome dudes were always gentlemen

and let us ladies take the seats first.

There was a lot of family bonding/huddling for warmth.

And plenty of hood/hat/scarf wearing;

it was a foreign concept to those youngins who haven't ever lived in a cold climate.

And our family's suggestion for when you visit NYC, 

is DO NOT take the "fast pass" option to the top of the empire state building;

it's code for twice as much money and an extra 2 hours of waiting...

it's not like a fast pass at Disney World... hahaha

We LOVED the Plaza though!

We even prepped for our trip by watching Home Alone 2: Lost in NY

just the night before we left

It also made me want to read the Great Gatsby again...

And mine and my mom's little hearts flipped when we saw this portrait of Eloise.

(with her pets Weenie and Skipperdee of course)

We were suuuper excited to see this on Time Square!

We felt like celebrities.

And it turns out that 'Annie' on Broadway is FANTASTIC.

Not quite as life-changing as 'Newsies', but even Dylan liked 'Annie'.

(although, Sophie and I haven't decided yet if it was quite as good as the renditions

we put on in our game room growing up...)

We ate lots of yummy food.

And clearly enjoyed each other's company.

The girls loved the SHOPPIN.

(aka window shoppin...)

Aaand the boys did not.

This picture sums up the Robinsons in NYC; 

we took up that entire ice cream store.

We saw the beautiful Grand Central Station.

Where Jesse's head pretty much scraped the ceiling...

he just won't stop growing!!

We went to church...

in my future ward.

And got to visit the breath-taking 9/11 memorial.

And walked across the Brooklyn Bridge!!! It was beautiful!

It was also freezing...

But don't worry, Emma and Logan had the appropriate head gear.

And I got to go to the Guggenheim with my mom.

She's so wonderful.

Goodness Gracious I'm in love with that city.

Grateful for:

my hippie Mom,

my cowboy Dad,

and Logan, Sophie,

Jesse, Max, Dylan,

and Emmacita,

and for the blessing to be sealed to my whoooole family

forever.