Thoughts on "Not Being Beautiful Enough"

Bottom line:  No matter who we are, or how old we are, where we live, or what we do, for many, varied reasons, we all have a desire to some extent, to feel beautiful.

First of all, here's the fact I have realized about myself concerning this matter;  I have never, never, ever  felt that I am beautiful enough.  For as long as I can remember.  I've always had issues with my chubby cheeks and what I feel is an abnormally big head, and my hair that refuses to hold any style but its crazy wavy/curly do, and my apple-shaped body, and weirdly muscular calves.  All these "issues" have put a serious damper in my self esteem throughout the years, and in all honesty, have crippled my ability to accomplish certain goals in my life.  And why, you ask, have I felt the need to blog about this, and put this confession up on the internet?  It is because recently I've recognized that this self-professing of a beauty "deficiency" has affected my faith, my health,  my education, my career, and my friendships and dating relationships... and that's ridiculous.  So, something has got to change.  Plus, I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one whose life has been adversely affected because of their labeling themselves with a "lack of being pretty".  And the truth  is; the truth that at this point I'd like to get up on my soapbox and shout about; is that while we all want  to be beautiful (and also date and be with "beautiful" people), in reality, NO ONE actually has a need  for beauty. 

And on that note, my second realization about this "wanting to be beautiful', is that the pursuit of beauty  is probably the most fundamentally absurd and counterproductive pursuit humanly possible.  Why have we--throughout the history of the world, mind you--put so much stock, so much money, and so much time and effort into making ourselves beautiful? I mean, come on, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN ACCOMPLISH??  As I've come to these realizations, throughout the last few months I have come across 2 different speeches and 1 article that I feel have backed up my thought that the emphasis we place on beauty is unrealistic, irrational, and detrimental.  And you should watch/reach them.  Here's the gist of them though;

1. "Beauty can't feed you."

A few months back, the 2013 Best Actress academy award winner, Lupita Nyong'o gave a speech at the ESSENCE Black Women in Hollywood luncheon, that completely floored me.  You can watch it here.  In her speech, this exceptionally gorgeous, Hollywood fashion icon talks about how growing up she desperately wanted to look different.  She says "I put on the TV and only saw pale skin, I got teased and taunted about my night-shaded skin.  And my one prayer to God, the miracle worker, was that I would wake up lighter-skinned." **  And then one day she discovered the model Alek Wek, and felt vindicated.  Lupita says, "A celebrated model, she was dark as night, she was on all the runways and in every magazine and everyone was talking about how beautiful she was.  Even Oprah called her beautiful and that made it a fact..."  She then says though of those who had taunted her previously, "to the beholders that I thought it mattered, I was still  unbeautiful.  And my mother [would say to me] you can't eat beauty, it doesn't feed you.  And these words plagued and bothered me; I didn't really understand them until I finally realized that beauty was not a thing that I could acquire or consume, it was something that I just had to be.  And what my mother meant when she said you can't eat beauty was that you can't rely on how you look to sustain you. 

What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself and for those around you.  That kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul."

Woah.  Floored.

2.  Our bodies are not inanimate objects waiting to be admired, or even acted upon, they're able to move, create, and speak; they are meant to be used as a tool for good.

In this article in the most recent addition of the LDS Ensign magazine, the author discusses her years of struggling to be at peace with her body.  Even though she put her faith in a God that "looked on the heart", she still felt a pressure to be skinnier.  She even prayed that God would help her on her quest to become thin. **  She eventually grappled with the difference between making changes to be more healthy, versus making changes to look a specific way, but ultimately in the article she says she finds the most peace and satisfaction when her "body becomes a tool to bless the lives of God's children, and proper maintenance and care of that tool demonstrates [her] recognition of His noble purposes.

Regardless of your faith or religion, you have to recognize all that your body can do.  And do  is an action word.  Beauty is not an action.  Your face can be picture perfect, but it can also offer a smile and kind words to others.  Your hands can be flawlessly manicured, but they can also extend to hold, to assure and to comfort others. And your body can be in tip top shape, with muscles built up in all the right places, and an impressively low body fat percentage, but more importantly it can carry heavy loads for people and walk alongside someone who needs a friend.

**I find it interesting to note that both in this article, and in Lupita's speech, these women prayed to God that their physical appearance might be changed; and yet for both of them, that specific struggle with their physical form ended up being the catalyst with which they were able to connect to rather large audiences, to offer poignant insight into the truth about the exquisite worth of each specific person listening.  I definitely do believe in God; that He is omniscient; He is all-knowing, and He gives us physical means with which to reach out and touch and uplift the people around us; as we are each His sons and His daughters.

Alright, so why is it, that if "you can't rely on how you look to sustain you", and that if our bodies were made to be put to work for uplifting purposes; that we worry so much about not being beautiful enough??

3. Unnecessary Shame

In Brene Brown's TED Talk on Vulnerability, she says that because we fear disconnection or rejection, essentially we feel shame if there is something that makes us imperfect, and so we withdraw from others to avoid showing our imperfections.  And to speak from personal experience, that act of withdrawing only makes us feel less attractive, less wanted, less needed, and less important.  And this "shame" is not comparable to feeling guilt that we've done something wrong; it's shame that we are  something wrong. To explain this shame Brene Brown says, "we all know that feeling: ' I'm not blank enough.  I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.'"  And when we're not enough, then we withdraw from others because we think ourselves unworthy of being loved.  That's huge!!!  Now, she goes on to explain the findings of her research on this subject, and how we overcome that feeling of shame by being vulnerable... (it's super awesome, and you should watch the entire talk), but I would suggest that we can simply omit the feelings of shame we harbor due to not feeling we're beautiful enough, because we know that no sustenance comes from beauty.  And we can refuse to withdraw, and instead choose to use the gift of our bodies to give compassion and kindness to everyone we meet!!

Now, real quick, I'm going to make a 180, and also clearly and strongly state that I fully support the idea that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder", and I believe you can make the choice to find  beauty wherever you might be, and whoever you might be with.  My artistic heart will never cease to appreciate fashion, or aspire to create colorful compilations of outfits, and I'll still keep wearing high heels because they make me feel taller and empowered.  Plus, I hope I'll always continue to be on a quest to be stronger, healthier, and wiser about how I take care of my body. Not to mention, I will continue for the rest of my life to acknowledge the "beauties" of the people I love and appreciate, and to seek out the gorgeousness in the little pieces of the world all around me!  Because in all those choices, I find a genuine beauty that greatly enhances my life. 

However, I have definitely learned that the measurement of our level of beauty does NOT define who we are; WHO WE ARE is in our substance, character, and charity towards other human beings.  So I'm resolving to LIVE and to BECOME, and desist my relentless seeking after BEING beautiful.  I'd like to make a lasting impression on this life I'm living, and actually make a difference.  And therefore acknowledging the fact that physical beauty can't feed me, or offer support to the people I love, and that seeking after an unattainable goal will only leave me feeling unnecessary shame and resentment towards myself; I think I'll aspire to cultivating a beautiful ability  for kindness, a beautiful mind, and beautiful soul  instead.

To quote Fanny Brice in "Funny Girl",

"You think beautiful girls are going to stay in style forever?  I should say not!  Any minute now they're going to be out! Finished!"

So don't rain on my parade.