Monday Musings

I sometimes feel like I've simultaneously been living in two realities my whole life. One that consists of getting good grades and eating green vegetables and remembering to get the oil changed in my car. This reality is where goals are met and progress is made and physical and emotional muscles are built. The other end of the spectrum though is where night time snow flurries look like sparkles under a spot-light-like streetlamp and the John Mayer (circa 2003) playing on my iPhone begs me to choreograph a dance in place of a walk home. This reality makes colors more saturated, all the world a stage, and each experience another opportunity to write a whimsical account for a children's book.

Do you think the two worlds will ever collide? Is part of growing up this ultimate fade out of fantasy into reality? Or is there some happy medium where we can snake the drain and pay off our student loans, but do all that with a smear of choral lipstick in bluish purple jewel-toned light while humming to a La-La Land-esque melody?

I have always been a daydreamer. Just ask my grandpa about how I'd "talk to the trees"; he always got a kick out of that. Or ask my mom how many hours I'd dance to the Nutcracker as a 4 year old. My walls have always been covered with pictures and magazine clippings, and I can't help but snap photographs wherever I go and whatever I do. I was even an art major once upon a time in college before I switched to Child Development.

However, my life in the last few years has slipped into a much more linear, realistic existence. Relationship realities have caused tried and true "chick flicks" to lose all savor, and even I've gone days, sometimes weeks, so entrenched in my work and school responsibilities that I forget belt out a good Adele or Barbra Streisand ballad in my car or the shower. I've even started wearing all black ensembles on a regular basis because they're easy to pick out and style... Seriously, who I am though??

I do also acknowledge that the world we live in leaves very little space or time for anyone to regularly be swept up in the artistically-enhanced fantasy version of life.


 However, some of the people I admire the most, who are happy, content, satiated, and who consistently brighten my life, are the people that refuse to settle for a life simply of deadlines and realities, and embrace the beauties of the details in their lives. From literally stopping to smell the roses, to taking a jump rope class at the YMCA, to wearing colors and styles that are out of place but true to their personality, to opening a bakery, to moving to their favorite city, to living as an artist, to writing a screenplay, to starting a band, they live their truth boldly and brightly. Their happiness is contagious so there's got to be something to this method right?

Well I guess this is an attempt at utilizing the artistic side of my brain again; (even though in my grad school neurology class I learned the whole left/right side brain isn't completely accurate, haha) me writing this fairly flowery, overly-descriptive, adjective saturated blog post about the colorful, sparkly, musical fantasies in my head in an attempt to start to reconnect with my abilities to create the beautiful life...

In other words, anyone want to go to a museum??

Or to a limited-release movie at a theater that only senior citizens attend??

Or plan a trip??

Or take a walk during the "golden hour" and admire how the light sparkles on the water??

Text me, yall. I'm off to paint something.
Or find a new museum.
Or watch Dream Girls. Because, Beyoncé. And sparkles.

An Open Letter to (us) Ladies who don't get asked on dates

Dear Ladies,

This morning I woke up hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, and not just because I am used to waking up painfully early, and today was a holiday and I set my alarm for much later. I was unable to stay asleep because the thoughts in my head were so loud, and those thoughts have been more and more prevalent lately as this has been the topic of discussion with an alarmingly large group of my absolutely wonderful friends, so I've decided to share these thoughts here in an attempt to quiet them (and maybe be able to sleep through the night), and also in hopes to open the discussion further with people who are maybe embarrassed to bring it up.

So to the ladies who don't get asked on dates; this is to you. And first of all, I feel ya. It's been a solid two years since someone has said the words "I'd like to take you on a date" and purposely sent them in my direction. Technically, once during those two years, I was asked on a date accidentally (long story), and once I was asked over for a dinner party at someone's house and when I showed up, it was just him... so maybe you can count that as a date. I don't know.

Due to these stats, I've personally been doing this thing lately where I've taken inventory of how many of my roommates have been asked on dates and how frequently, and then looked around at the number of coworkers who are married or in serious relationships, and then I've even looked back to think how many dates my siblings/cousins/married friends went on before they got married and I'm like.... the odds are NOT in my favor. Like, can you even create "odds" with zero data??

First of all, DON'T do that. Comparison is the thief of joy. Second, I have learned some important lessons while trying to sift through these realities and how they make me feel, and YOU AND I NEED TO REMEMBER these three things;

1) Finding a compatible companion (or even date for Friday night) actually is statistically really difficult  (it's not just you).

2) It's not that YOU are not enough [enter any and all descriptors and qualification measurements here] to be sought after and dated, it's that the timing is wrong. 

3) Don't worry so much about it because your worth will NEVER be defined by your relationship status, it will be defined by your character and your integrity.


The odds are not in your favor:
I don't know about you, but I know I am really good at working hard. Give me a task or project, and I'll kill it. I'll put my heart and soul and health and wellness on the line to do my best job (exhibit A: Graduate School, and the 75 hour weeks that have been happening lately). The same goes for relationships. When I have made the choice to care about someone romantically (long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away before this date drought), I have totally put my heart into the act of loving that person. The difference between grad school and a relationship though, is that MY choices and actions concerning work and school produce the outcome. Relationships however, only work if both sides put in an equal effort and have an equal investment in the success of the relationship. So if you're married, take a minute to appreciate that you and your spouse found each other at a time when you were both open to a relationship, you both liked each other simultaneously, and you even both decided to alter the entire course of the rest of your life to commit yourselves to each other... seriously, like what are the odds of that happening with two random human beings walking the face of the earth?? It's really not as easy as the movies make it look. There are SO many factors from all sides of dating equations as to why they might now be happening right now. Just remember that YOU are not the only factor.



"It's all about the timing":
As cliché as this sounds, it is SO true. Life is a constant ebb and flow of overwhelming responsibility and then times where you have the free space to make change and set new goals and open your life up to something like a relationship. Sometimes, there isn't time for dating because the rest of life takes up too much space. Sometimes work gets in the way, sometimes it's family commitments, sometimes school, sometimes other relationships are crucial in your own personal progression to help you to become who you need to be. I haven't experienced this in my life yet, but I've watched a lot of people around me experience the magic of things FINALLY lining up the way that they need to in order for a relationship to progress, and most of them will tell you it's worth the wait. And the waiting can be a pretty sweet space of time (for example; my valentines this year were my kindergarten students, and it was the cutest thing ever.)



"This does not define you."
The hardest part of this not-dating thing for me is the well-meaning questions that people who love me most ask about my dating habits. Half of me wants to yell "Because no one wants to date me!!!" and the other half wants to scream "Because ain't nobody got time for that!!! I've got stuff I've got to get done!!!" And ultimately, as much as I love and admire these people, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what they think. It doesn't matter if I always show up to weddings by myself, it doesn't matter that I'm the only one in the group that doesn't get asked on a date. What matters is that I treat people with kindness, with love, with respect, and greet them with open arms. It matters that I don't get down on myself or anyone else because of my dating status. It matters that I keep working hard and improving myself. It matters that I become the best version of Amanda as is possible. You and I are only defined by the limits we place on ourselves.




So anyway, I LOVE YOU and think you are great. Keep doing you. Keep changing the world. Don't sit around wait for Mr. Right, because he may be occupied at the moment, but DO keep improving and building more meaningful relationships and reaching out to help and love other people. Life can be full of meaning and pure joy... even when you have to take yourself to the movies.

So much love,
Amanda








PS-Men, ask us ladies you wouldn't usually ask out on a date. We're freaking amazing and you're missing out.

30 Lessons Learned in (almost) 30 Years

It's been awhile. I've been writing a lot in this last year, but mostly in the form of lesson plans and student reports, and I have a big research paper on neurology and education coming up in a few months... but I don't think any of those things would be particularly exciting to share here. (However, I am pretty excited about writing that research paper, so you can ask me about it if you want.) Grad School is kinda rad. Suuuuper hard, but kind of the best thing.

It has also been on my mind though, that a million years ago when I started this blog, I was pretty inspired by another blogger (whose name I'm embarrassingly having a hard time remembering) who had recently turned 30, and did a post called "30 Lessons I've Learned in 30 Years". I promptly followed this inspiration to write a "24 Lessons I've Learned in 24 Years" post, which made me feel old and wise and accomplished. I probably did this because for some reason didn't think I'd reach 30, or that by the time I was turning 30, that I'd be rich, retired, and at the very least married and/or occupied with more important matters than to take the time to actually contribute my own version of this 30-year-old-milestone-blog-post to the internet.

Alas, here we find ourselves. I'm definitely not any of the above mentioned things yet (except maybe occupied with more important matters, but writing this seemed a lot more fun tonight than writing lesson plans...), BUT, my life has been filled with many more a learning opportunity since my first attempt at this post 6 years ago, so I thought I'd take the time to document the big ones.

So here goes nothing; these are 30 Lessons I've learned in my (almost) 30 years:

1) Eyebrows are important. They change the look of your face. (And Adele, Adele is also important.)

2) Flossing your teeth is also important. Don't forget it; it's not worth the cavities.

3) Sleep is precious.

4) Self-care is also important. Getting a massage, paying extra for a skin care regimen or hair care products, etc. is not selfish if it helps you feel your best. Because when you feel your best, you're more apt do your best work in whatever sphere of influence you find yourself.

5) Nothing feels better than working really, really hard. No matter what task, relationship, or problem is at hand.

6) Do what you love.

7) Figure out what you are passionate about. It makes all the other mundane and challenging stuff worth it. (I'm passionate about teaching students with learning disabilities, Barbra Streisand, and the royal family; relenting to my true passions on these matters has brought a lot of joy into my life)

8) Take your time. No need to rush. (Said the girl who will finish Grad School 10 years after she started talking about going.)

9) Be kind. Always. There are actually very few exceptions to this.

10) Listen. You don't know what (or who) you'll miss if you don't.

11) Say thank you. Like, everywhere, all the time. It makes a difference.

12) Hold the door for strangers. And friends.

13) Look people in the eye.

14) Pay attention.

15) Look up; from your phone, and instead of being embarrassed or discouraged, and also look up at the sun, at the future, at any source of light and hope.

16) Find the light. (Not just important for good photography.)

17) Create your beautiful life. Make your life as wonderful as you can.

18) Create balance; work hard to be happy and healthy, just like you work hard to be successful.

19) Set goals constantly. (And re-set them just as consistently)

20) Always have a plan B. And C.

21) "Do hard things."

22) When you're ready, move outside of your comfort zone.

23) Ask for help. (This is a big "move outside of your comfort zone" move for me.)

24) Don't let fear stop you.

25) Don't let disappointment halt your progress.

26) It's okay to feel your feelings. You'll feel them eventually anyway, so just let them out. Be sad. Be angry. Cry. Get frustrated. Also fall madly, deeply in love. Be crazy passionate about things. Open your heart enough to feel things that make you happy cry.

27) Try new things. And always be prepared to fail. It's okay to fail miserably. It's okay to try again. It's okay to totally scrap an idea or aspiration and even admit to failure, it's just not okay to stop making progress. Like Walt Disney said, "KEEP MOVING FORWARD". You'll get there. I promise.

28) Rely on something bigger than yourself.

29) Acknowledge your inabilities and weaknesses, and address them.

30) But also know that you're enough; always remember that you have yet immeasurable worth, and you actually can do ANYthing you set your mind to.











**Cue: Tim McGraw's "In My Next 30 Years"**

Jimmy-Fallon-Style Thank You Notes

[This post is mean to be read like a Jimmy Fallon "thank you notes" segment]

Dear BYU,

Thank you

For denying me acceptance to your school. Twice. Because I'm still not over how much I love BYU Idaho and going to Grad School in Boston, MA instead of Provo, UT is probably the coolest thing that will happen to my life. Ever.





Dear every boy I've ever fallen in love with who hasn't loved me back,

Thank you

For giving me the chance to realize that I don't need you AT ALL to be loved, validated, appreciated, and considered enough. I can do that all on my own.





Dear particular boy who really hurt my heart,

Thank you

For being the Warner to my Elle Woods.

Dear Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome,

Thank you

For teaching me that a healthy body takes many forms (and sizes and weights), and to admire health and wellness over skinniness and other physical traits.





Dear Depression,

Thank you

For helping me understand what a dementor attack feels like...
Haha. Juuuuuust kidding. Sort of.
Thank you for teaching me to laugh at absolutely everything I can. Because laughing is a good ab workout and a great defender of hope. Also, thank you for teaching me to bask in the sunlight when it's around.





Dear Netflix, bubble baths, and chocolate treats,

Thank you

For existing.




LOVE,

You always have control of TWO things; your ATTITUDE, and your OUTFIT

This kind of feels like
a grown-up dress-up post...

...but it was really fun, hahaha!

It was inspired by my favorite season,

my love for fashion,

the desire to dress up on my day off,

and a PROMO CODE from MIEROGLYPHS

where this adorable plaid and gold bracelet is from!!

Tell them I sent you by using the promo code: AMANDA20

and you'll get 20% off your entire order!

They have really cute patterns to choose from,

and my favorite part is that you can add any quote to the inside.

I've been living by this one lately,

"What if you fail,

Oh, but my darling,

what if you fly?"

...and it's nice to have it to carry around with me now!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING YALL!

Fighters

I admire the fighters. The ones who push through and break out and challenge the wrong. I've watched them all my life in awe and admiration. Passion fuels them, drives them, and moves them. It pushes them do debate and defend with tenacity and vehemence.

I used to think I was too scared to be a fighter. And maybe that was true. The kids that bullied me in elementary school--I admit I was scared to stand up to them. But it wasn't too long before I grew out of the fear. Eventually, I realized I'd just rather not fight. I'd rather wait patiently, until awkwardness pierced the silence, and the bully's mean intensity dissipated. I'd rather create a safe space around me and my friends where we could feel the most happiness. I craved peace not justice, so I'd rather keep to myself.  I've watched a lot of people around me and wondered why they even wanted to fight. I've felt a lot that same way this last week.

Life has taught me it is crucial though to stand up for yourself and those you know have unmet needs; otherwise some basic needs never get met. People and life with drain you dry if you don't stop them. And some people are just cruel and vicious in their need to be powerful and correct. Those people need to be reminded they aren't allowed to be like that. So a level of fight is a part of life. But find myself still wondering at the need to fight. Although, that's just me. My natural tendency is not to clench my fists and defend, but rather to retreat and give space. I don't know which is better.

But maybe the world is actually in need of both. The fighters and the peace seekers. Fighters breed needed change and growth, and peace makers satiate and cultivate habitats where those fight-induced changes can flourish. So I guess they're both needed.

Just try not to forget; whether you're fighting for change or your cultivating growth, at the end of the day, it's about people. It's not about winning, and it's not about perfecting. It's about loving and improving people. And if we want a better world, we all need each other.

Just a little food for thought.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year... FALL

I LOVE this time of year.

Just before the holiday season,

and just before the snow comes too...

Also, did yall see the SUPER MOON??

Seriously tho.

I think growing up in Texas,

where there are only really two seasons;

HOT, and rainy,

this whole in-between-seasons FALL thing

mesmerizes me every year.

Also, every time I trash talk Utah at all,

I walk outside and see stuff like THIS...

But, daaaang. #utahisgorgeous

And I think this week of the year is my favorite because,

autumn and its leaves are still hanging around,

thanksgiving dinner is coming up soon,

Christmas is just around the corner....

and football season is just about over...

haha.

Feeling real thankful.

On Being Enough

I've thought a lot about, and struggled a lot with the concept of being enough. I've listened to and read talks and studies about what defines "being enough". The funny thing is, where I've learned the most about it is actually during my experiences working as a teacher.

I always know my students are enough as soon as they walk through the classroom door. They have everything within their minds, hearts, and character to succeed. And flourish. And add to the world so much light. And actually, most of my students come into the classroom carrying some major learning roadblocks. But no matter what they have to work through or overcome, nothing is too great of a struggle to keep them from reaching their astonishing potential.

It's crazy how much this has taught me too about my own capabilities. As I have literally "preached" (if you will) the truth of individual potential to each of my students, I have found myself each time learning more and more that it's even true for me and my life! I still find this concept exceptionally difficult to grasp on some days, but the more I work and keep moving forward, the more I trust in my own capacity. And I continue to see how I am enough; how I have enough within me already, to become.

The crucial part of this concept of being enough, or whole, for me, comes from a belief that I have access to a relationship with God. That I can at any and all times access the help of an omniscient and all powerful being, who will aid me in reaching goals. And today at a world wide church teacher training meeting (say that 3 times fast), both my teaching and religious worlds collided to help me learn more about myself and the concept of being enough.


We read this verse of scripture about charity, "Wherefore, my beloved bretheren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart... that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this HOPE; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

I realized today that some people struggle with faith, some people struggle with humility, etc... and I struggle to have hope. I sincerely have faith that all things are possible through Heavenly Father, but I don't always have hope that my goals can be met. It sounds contradictory, but that is my fundamental struggle. This lack of hope is what causes me to feel desperate and alone, and overcome with despair and depression at times.

But I also realized today that what I do undoubtedly have faith, and what I do always hope for (despite my own cyclical trials), is a hope that I can become like the Savior. He is my closest friend and I know His character, and love and so deeply admire it. And while I don't always have hope for the aspects of my life; like hope that I will ever be able to run a marathon, or hope that there will be the vocational opportunities for me to create the life I desire for myself, or even the hope that the men I come to love will ever remain faithful and be able to be sealed to me in the temple; I DO have a piercingly bright hope that I can become like the being whom I admire the most, my brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.

And I am making it my choice now to let that hope permeate all other hopes I have, and BE ENOUGH to see me through all trials that I will face.

The only time this could become a disappointing aspiration is if I were to completely stop trying. Then I would lose my reason to hope. And while I know I am so far from perfect, and I know there are multiple times I've taken a few steps forward and then many more steps backward, I also know that I have never stopped trying. I struggle with confidence in my abilities in all areas of my life, but I realized I can be confident in the fact that I have not ever given up.

Today when Elder Holland was talking about being called or asked to serve as a teacher in the church, he said "You were called because of who you ARE, not because of who you are NOT." I had the thought too, that we are also called to help us to become what we are not already. We are constantly being given opportunities to become.

Anyway, the gospel is true, and life is so good, albeit really really hard and confusing at times. Also, people are also full of so much good and light and potential. So remember, it's never that you're not enough. You're always enough. But you also can become exponentially, inexplicably, unfathomably MORE. You just need to be willing to ask, and then keep moving forward without giving up.

They tell me dating is a numbers game...

I've heard a lot throughout my life,

and especially in the last couple of years,

that dating is JUST a numbers game.

Well, I did abominably in math in school,

and while I've tried to grasp the concept

that dating is a game all about numbers and ratios and such,

it's left me somewhat more baffled than before...

BUT,

Today I did line up these numbers:

I've had my heart broken a total of 3 times

(not like little let-downs,

but big-old HEART BREAKS)

AND,

subsequentelly,

Adele has released a total of 3 albums...

Let's talk about planets aligning, tender mercies,

meant-to-be, free therapy, etc...

I don't think I've quite mastered the

"Dating Numbers Game...."

But thank goodness for Adele.

And thank goodness someone is looking out for me.

Been Too Long

So this last year's been rough. And while I'd like to say, I love a challenge, and it's been so great to learn some more life lessons, in all reality it's really shaken me right to my core; my core of people I trust, my core of my understanding of myself, and my core of my beliefs. I've gone to all sorts of measures to hold on to those things as best as I can. I've worked and waited and gone out of my comfort zone, and then eventually I've had to relent and realize that some of those things have had to change. But today I was reminded of some aspects of truth that haven't, and won't, ever change. And it was in the middle of a completely mundane task.

This morning I was asked to go help clean the building that I attend church in each week, as happens every few months or so. I showed up a few minutes late (per usual Amanda), and started to clean the glass doors like I usually do, while the people around me were vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and tiding up chalkboards. Everyone was casually friendly and happy to help, albeit a little groggy first thing on Saturday morning. Nothing outrageously exciting happened or was said, but while I was standing in the foyer with glass cleaner in one hand, and a heavy duty paper towel in the other, looking at the floral print couches you can find world-wide in LDS church buildings, I remembered something.

Now, I've grown up my whole life attending church in similar buildings. In fact, some of my earliest memories are of being in church meetings, or activities in these buildings. I can remember playing hide and seek behind those flowery couches, and laying on my stomach on the matching carpet to read books while my parents listened to the messages being shared. As a kid I went to primary where we sang songs, and had treats and learned about being kind to each other. I always had friends as a teenager because we had youth groups we met with throughout the week to do activities with, or sometimes even service projects. And when I moved away from home to go to college, church was a sanctuary of familiarity even when I was thousands of miles away from anyone and anything I'd grown up with. Church was a warm, and inviting constant. And I loved it there.

Lately though, that hasn't been so. A lot of the people around me have lost trust or an interest in organized religion, and since I don't live with my family any more, I now attend church by myself. Also, life has gotten more demanding over time, and much of what is preached in church asks us to change, and strive to one day become like God, which means we are striving for perfection. And I already feel far from perfect of my own volition; trying to meet work needs, and trying to work on self progression, and really trying to build relationships. Not to mention, so much of religion is centered on families, so the social aspect of church becomes a magnification of all the families and their children, or the couples who are about to start their own families, and there is an inevitable, even if unintentional, alienation of those of us who are full-blown adults who are actively involved in the workforce and community, but have yet to claim our own family unit. So it's become more of a cumbersome task lately to be involved, and to get up and go to church each week.

But while wiping down those glass doors this morning, standing in that foyer so similar to the dozens I've stood in over the years, participating in the mundane, simple task of volunteering to help clean the building, for the first time in months, I felt like I was home.

I realized I was there only because I chose to be. No person knew, or cared in the long run, that I was there. But I chose to be. And I realized I chose to, because deep down that is where I wanted to be, because of whom it does matter to. I realized that no matter what the particulars of my life, no matter how hard or confusing they get, and no matter what is going on around me, God loves me. He's my friend. And He's not a friend who picks sides, or is only a friend if I meet a certain standard. He loves me always. I was standing there in front of that crazy floral couch, and I remembered why it was that I have really come to church all my life. It is because my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, have come to be my closest friends, and I feel their love most when I go to church.

You know those times when you get to talk on the phone with, or meet up for dinner with a friend you haven't seen in years, and you get to talking, and it feels like no time has passed? And despite the fact that your lives are completely different than they used to be when you knew each other before, you still have a deep, devoted love and respect for each other? And your heart is full, and your life is the better for it? And then you always end the conversation with the promise that you'll keep in touch more often? That's how I felt leaving the church building today.

I don't know exactly what the switch was, and I know life will continue to be a challenge. But now, for some reason, today, it is clear to me that I know God, that He knows me, and that I want Him to be a regular part of my life. So I'll overlook the discomfort that sometimes arises, and go to church tomorrow because I want to. Because I want to continue to know God.

"Spirituality, our true aim, 

is the consciousness of victory over self 

and of communion with the Infinite. 

Spirituality impels one to conquer difficulties 

and acquire more and more strength. 

To feel one’s faculties unfolding 

and truth expanding the soul 

is one of life’s sublimest experiences. "

1996: Me and Soph at my baptism

"The Purple Hour" In the Hazy Light of Healing

You know that time of evening

where the sun has almost just set

but a tiny glimmer of its light remains

still

all the shops have turned on lights

and their neon rainbow melds

with hazy lingering slivers of sunlight

a few hours earlier is deemed by photographers

"the golden hour"

but this hour is less golden;

more characterized by indigo's and purples

than golds

I found myself driving tonight during this "purple hour"

in a city I'd promised to hate since I was a kid

in the heart of that very city

the one I live in currently

but promised I never would

I made the trek here three years ago

once plan 'A' fell apart in a blunder;

I was trepidatious at first

but still jumped in with both feet

and soon found myself making a life

nesting into jobs and friends and favorite grocery stores

and this city turned out to be everything it promised to be;

tenatious

and eager

yet old fashioned

and odd;

a place with no place for me

and lately I've been hurt by it

and I've been tired of it

and I've needed space from this place

that's left me with some scars

But I was driving through it

tonight in that indigo hour

and the summer wind and neon lights and fireworks stands

filled me

lightened me

reminded me

excited me...

That restaurant where I had my birthday

that welcomes you like a scene from

an old black and white film

that street where we all danced

unabashed and unafraid

dressed as dinosaurs and princesses and villians

that row of houses

where the trees are a hundred years old

and so many of my students live

that one place

with great fries and salads

where friends have planned futures

and laughed

and cried

that street lamp

that he kissed me under

and I kissed him back

those twists and turns of sidewalk

where I tried to run

but usually just briskly walked

and counted my steps

and strengthened my pace

and pushed my limits

that building

where history still stands

and brick looks grand

and grandma and grandpa

had their 50th wedding anniversary

the temple that burned but was so lovingly rebuilt

lit up in a warming buttery light

that pierced through the darkening

--this one filled me most--

with hope of rebuilding

and excited my very core

with what's to come

And suddenly I realized,

I'd forgiven it

that though it had misplaced me 

and been unwelcoming of me

I have finally embraced the city

and it finally embraced me

Have you ever let a place help heal you?

Well,

thank you, you odd, old fashioned city

for teaching as you have

for letting me learn by trial and error

and leaving me with scars to remember by

but also with an embracing of love and faith and hope

my soul's all warm and fuzzy

and ready to be okay with where I am

in this city

in this life

in this time

So here's to that purple hour

that magical, hazy, healing hour;

it's when the sun sets on yesterday,

and you're on your way towards

tomorrow.

Follow Up: Why I'm grateful I have depression

Mental illness, emotional disability, and afflictions are hard. They're life altering. Trials, struggles and disappointments bring us to our knees and they are roadblocks on our path to success. 

But, (and this is like a Jlo sized but,) that doesn't mean they deter us from living a powerful, successful, and joy FILLED life. Maybe they make us have to work harder for those things, but doesn't that hard work make us even more elated when we finally do reach the finish line??

So here's the deal; I deal with depression daily and it's halted my personal progress, and made me think very seriously about giving up. But I haven't. And this is what I've learned (and re-learned) each of the times I've chosen to keep pushing forward and keep battling through;

1) EVERYONE has faced a deep depression. Even if they don't face clinical, chronic depression, they have (or will) face a situation in life that breaks them. EVERYone. I can listen to people's struggles, look them in the eye, and tell them I am so sorry. And maybe I don't know exactly what they're going through, but I do sincerely know that feeling of hurt and despair, and I'm genuinely sorry they have to face that. It's also an incredible equalizer once you know that. No one is better than anyone no matter what their outward appearance. 90% of the time you really have no idea what that jerk at the DMV is facing, and why they're a jerk, so when you realize that everyone has felt broken or in despair, you learn compassion for them. And patience. And you realize you're absolutely no better than them. You've been there. So I'm grateful for depression because it has taught me sympathy, and taught me how to better relate to people simply because we're all flawed and we've all hurt or are hurting.

2) Everyone is on a spectrum. What I mean is that everyone faces either anxiety, depression, autism, aspergers, OCD, dyslexia, eating disorders, or addictive behaviors, etc... Not all to the extent that we need interventional help, but where we have to come to terms with how we naturally react to situations, and handle pressures. Having to face and admit to myself that I am on one of those spectrums was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, but also incredibly liberating once I finally did.  It helped me to acknowledge my weaknesses (instead of trying so hard to hide them), and then start asking for help to move forward.

3) This one I'm still working on (sorry friends and family), but I have made some progress; it is ABSOLUTELY okay to ask for help. People will surprise you with how much they genuinely want to help you. Also, there are countless resources available to help and support you. Use them!! There is no need to muscle through on your own. That is an extra expense of energy that someone can help you out with.

4) Sleep is a game changer. Don't underestimate the power of a good nights sleep. Don't. Life looks so different in the morning. Or after a good, solid nap.

5) Taking care of yourself will help you be able to take care of others. Don't feel guilty taking time to yourself to sleep, or exercise, or get a massage or a pedicure, or even #netflixandchill, because you are worth investing in yourself. And once you have, believe me, you'll be MUCH better prepared to turn around and take care of others. And work towards your goals. And find happiness, because that is sometimes really hard to do.

6) Your value, and the definition of who you are, does not come from the clinical label of your struggle, or the title of your job, or the amount in your bank account, or your marital status, or the number of accolades you have received. It comes from your instinsic value as a living human being, from your character, and from the way you choose to move forward once you've been broken down. I don't believe this on my bad days. But heavens, when those days pass, I'm on a mission to tell this to everyone. You are more than your struggles. You are worth EVERY effort to try again and again and again. I tell this to my students all the time, to my friends and my family, and I literally say it to myself in the mirror. 

7) Utilize, to the FULLEST, all the "good days". Know that hard days are inevitable no matter who you are or what you face, so remember when it's a good day, to FILL it with service, and goal reaching, and creating and simply relishing in the light and beauty that is life. Because life is SO FULL of those things. And people need YOU so badly.

 

8) As crazy as it sounds, the deeper you feel sorrow, the deeper your capacity becomes to feel happiness. So chock it up to experience when times get tough, because when times get good again, they're gonna feel like someone sprinkled them with pixie dust and sparkly rainbow unicorn sprinkles.

So go be you. Don't wallow. Find your Sasha Fierce. Love people with whatever capacity you can. Let people love you back. Take care of the body and mind and life you've been given. Find the sunshine. Cherish the sparkles. And when days get tough, don't get down on yourself. You are worth fighting for. So keep fighting!

 

Depression

*Disclaimer; this is not a post I ever planned on writing. I'm a pretty darn independent person, so admitting a weakness I constantly face is truly daunting for me. But I have felt strongly to share this, and always try to act on those promptings.*


So, I'd like to address the elephant in the room...

 

... No, no, not that one.

But the one that appeared when you read the title to this post and wondered "What? Depression? What does she know?" or "Is she jumping on the bandwagon to talk about a popular subject?" or probably "Oh no, she's gonna talk about being single again..."

(Haha, that last one was pretty good right??)

But no, this "elephant" of a post is one I've been thinking about for a long time. It's a post about how I have depression.

Yup. Long-term, chronic depression. It's not the kind that people refer to when they say "everyone goes through lows as some point/points of their life." This post is about the daily fight I have with depression. And it's a post that I hope helps at least one person to gain a bit of confidence in recognizing that maybe they too, struggle with a mental disorder that affects them daily. And it's okay.

Now, first of all, depression does not mean someone who sits around and cries all day. Depression by its very definition is actually a condition of general emotion dejection or withdrawal. So to me, depression is a literal weakening; physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

And that's pretty much all I'm going to say about that. I have a Bachelor's degree in Child Development, not a PhD in Psychology, so I'm not out to give a detailed lesson about what depression is. I'm just hoping that if anyone fights with depression, or any mental/emotional struggles on a daily basis, they know that they are not alone. My personal experience is that when I am depressed I withdraw from people and activities in order to simply be able to get by with my daily responsibilities. Because taking on my daily responsibilities gets harder; much, much harder. For example, I love people. And talking to, interacting with, and learning from people is what brings me the most genuine satisfaction. Extending love to people is what stabilizes me if I'm stressed, and what increases my already happy times. Laughing is also my absolute favorite (as we, and anyone who happens to be around me in public places are very aware...). All of those people-oriented activities though, are ones I become much less capable of when my depression becomes too heavy. Sometimes those heavy feelings are triggered by situations (like, *ehem*, my younger sibling getting married before me, etc...), but not always. There are days where I wake up and that dark cloud is just there.

And good grief life is already hard, so adding another element of burden and stress and worry and deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy makes life unbearable. Have you felt that?

Well listen to me; there is hope. There is ALWAYS hope. Someone pointed this out to me recently after a particularly bleak and hopeless time, and I realized that no matter what I have faced, and then how much more challenging those struggles have become when depression kicks in, eventually, there is ALWAYS hope. And light. And joy. And good jokes. And good friends. And good food. And art and music and creations of all kinds. Sometimes it doesn't come right away. Sometimes it hasn't come for a long time. But light eventually comes.

Now, I've mentioned and written about before, that I believe in God. I believe in a Heavenly Father, and also in His Son, a Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them because I feel good in my heart when I read stories about them, or pray to them. Simple and straightforward. But, my belief in them became a knowledge when I began to struggle with depression a little over 10 years ago. When I have faced depression, the greatest emotion I am bombarded with is loneliness. And it is absolutely debilitating. To feel like I have to detach because I'm not good enough to be loved, or be successful, or reach my goals is a pitiful, hopeless, crippling feeling. And it's one I face almost daily, so sometimes it becomes too much for me to fight, and I begin believe in those thoughts and voices. And they're damn loud. So no one person has been able to help me change those thoughts in the moment, no matter how hard and lovingly they have tried. I don't believe in those moments that they understand what I am facing, and so I don't (and really, can't) let their words sink in.

Eventually though, when I begin to feel stronger, I start to feel light again. And as I am able to begin to move forward, EVERY time, I have realized that I was NEVER alone. One of my favorite quotes about God's love is that His "love never changes... It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. It is simply always there." At times when I have felt the most unworthy of love, I can look back and realize that I was not alone; that the Savior Jesus Christ was sitting there right beside me the whole time.

As I have built a relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ, I have come to realize that believing in them, praying, reading scriptures, and being a good person, does not mean they will take away this, or any other struggle from me. They know what I'm capable of. They know that I can face these challenges, and be TRIUMPHANT. But they DO NOT leave me to do it alone. So don't give up no matter what you're facing. People trust in your ability to overcome. A creator of everything around you, knows you can overcome and be made whole.

You are loved. You are needed. You are important. You are cherished. There are things you are capable of that other people can't do. You're needed. It will be hard. And then it will get easier. And then it will get hard again. But YOU can conquer. And YOU can persevere.

And it's worth it.

It's SO worth it.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that... that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.” Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, and hold fast to hope."