Depression

*Disclaimer; this is not a post I ever planned on writing. I'm a pretty darn independent person, so admitting a weakness I constantly face is truly daunting for me. But I have felt strongly to share this, and always try to act on those promptings.*


So, I'd like to address the elephant in the room...

 

... No, no, not that one.

But the one that appeared when you read the title to this post and wondered "What? Depression? What does she know?" or "Is she jumping on the bandwagon to talk about a popular subject?" or probably "Oh no, she's gonna talk about being single again..."

(Haha, that last one was pretty good right??)

But no, this "elephant" of a post is one I've been thinking about for a long time. It's a post about how I have depression.

Yup. Long-term, chronic depression. It's not the kind that people refer to when they say "everyone goes through lows as some point/points of their life." This post is about the daily fight I have with depression. And it's a post that I hope helps at least one person to gain a bit of confidence in recognizing that maybe they too, struggle with a mental disorder that affects them daily. And it's okay.

Now, first of all, depression does not mean someone who sits around and cries all day. Depression by its very definition is actually a condition of general emotion dejection or withdrawal. So to me, depression is a literal weakening; physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.

And that's pretty much all I'm going to say about that. I have a Bachelor's degree in Child Development, not a PhD in Psychology, so I'm not out to give a detailed lesson about what depression is. I'm just hoping that if anyone fights with depression, or any mental/emotional struggles on a daily basis, they know that they are not alone. My personal experience is that when I am depressed I withdraw from people and activities in order to simply be able to get by with my daily responsibilities. Because taking on my daily responsibilities gets harder; much, much harder. For example, I love people. And talking to, interacting with, and learning from people is what brings me the most genuine satisfaction. Extending love to people is what stabilizes me if I'm stressed, and what increases my already happy times. Laughing is also my absolute favorite (as we, and anyone who happens to be around me in public places are very aware...). All of those people-oriented activities though, are ones I become much less capable of when my depression becomes too heavy. Sometimes those heavy feelings are triggered by situations (like, *ehem*, my younger sibling getting married before me, etc...), but not always. There are days where I wake up and that dark cloud is just there.

And good grief life is already hard, so adding another element of burden and stress and worry and deep-seeded feelings of inadequacy makes life unbearable. Have you felt that?

Well listen to me; there is hope. There is ALWAYS hope. Someone pointed this out to me recently after a particularly bleak and hopeless time, and I realized that no matter what I have faced, and then how much more challenging those struggles have become when depression kicks in, eventually, there is ALWAYS hope. And light. And joy. And good jokes. And good friends. And good food. And art and music and creations of all kinds. Sometimes it doesn't come right away. Sometimes it hasn't come for a long time. But light eventually comes.

Now, I've mentioned and written about before, that I believe in God. I believe in a Heavenly Father, and also in His Son, a Savior, Jesus Christ. I believe in them because I feel good in my heart when I read stories about them, or pray to them. Simple and straightforward. But, my belief in them became a knowledge when I began to struggle with depression a little over 10 years ago. When I have faced depression, the greatest emotion I am bombarded with is loneliness. And it is absolutely debilitating. To feel like I have to detach because I'm not good enough to be loved, or be successful, or reach my goals is a pitiful, hopeless, crippling feeling. And it's one I face almost daily, so sometimes it becomes too much for me to fight, and I begin believe in those thoughts and voices. And they're damn loud. So no one person has been able to help me change those thoughts in the moment, no matter how hard and lovingly they have tried. I don't believe in those moments that they understand what I am facing, and so I don't (and really, can't) let their words sink in.

Eventually though, when I begin to feel stronger, I start to feel light again. And as I am able to begin to move forward, EVERY time, I have realized that I was NEVER alone. One of my favorite quotes about God's love is that His "love never changes... It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God's love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve it. It is simply always there." At times when I have felt the most unworthy of love, I can look back and realize that I was not alone; that the Savior Jesus Christ was sitting there right beside me the whole time.

As I have built a relationship with my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ, I have come to realize that believing in them, praying, reading scriptures, and being a good person, does not mean they will take away this, or any other struggle from me. They know what I'm capable of. They know that I can face these challenges, and be TRIUMPHANT. But they DO NOT leave me to do it alone. So don't give up no matter what you're facing. People trust in your ability to overcome. A creator of everything around you, knows you can overcome and be made whole.

You are loved. You are needed. You are important. You are cherished. There are things you are capable of that other people can't do. You're needed. It will be hard. And then it will get easier. And then it will get hard again. But YOU can conquer. And YOU can persevere.

And it's worth it.

It's SO worth it.

Jeffrey R. Holland said, "With the Apostle Paul, I testify that that... that which was sown in weakness will ultimately be raised in power. I bear witness of that day when loved ones whom we knew to have disabilities in mortality will stand before us glorified and grand, breathtakingly perfect in body and mind. What a thrilling moment that will be! I do not know whether we will be happier for ourselves that we have witnessed such a miracle or happier for them that they are fully perfect and finally “free at last.” Until that hour when Christ’s consummate gift is evident to us all, may we live by faith, and hold fast to hope."