You always have control of TWO things; your ATTITUDE, and your OUTFIT

This kind of feels like
a grown-up dress-up post...

...but it was really fun, hahaha!

It was inspired by my favorite season,

my love for fashion,

the desire to dress up on my day off,

and a PROMO CODE from MIEROGLYPHS

where this adorable plaid and gold bracelet is from!!

Tell them I sent you by using the promo code: AMANDA20

and you'll get 20% off your entire order!

They have really cute patterns to choose from,

and my favorite part is that you can add any quote to the inside.

I've been living by this one lately,

"What if you fail,

Oh, but my darling,

what if you fly?"

...and it's nice to have it to carry around with me now!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING YALL!

Fighters

I admire the fighters. The ones who push through and break out and challenge the wrong. I've watched them all my life in awe and admiration. Passion fuels them, drives them, and moves them. It pushes them do debate and defend with tenacity and vehemence.

I used to think I was too scared to be a fighter. And maybe that was true. The kids that bullied me in elementary school--I admit I was scared to stand up to them. But it wasn't too long before I grew out of the fear. Eventually, I realized I'd just rather not fight. I'd rather wait patiently, until awkwardness pierced the silence, and the bully's mean intensity dissipated. I'd rather create a safe space around me and my friends where we could feel the most happiness. I craved peace not justice, so I'd rather keep to myself.  I've watched a lot of people around me and wondered why they even wanted to fight. I've felt a lot that same way this last week.

Life has taught me it is crucial though to stand up for yourself and those you know have unmet needs; otherwise some basic needs never get met. People and life with drain you dry if you don't stop them. And some people are just cruel and vicious in their need to be powerful and correct. Those people need to be reminded they aren't allowed to be like that. So a level of fight is a part of life. But find myself still wondering at the need to fight. Although, that's just me. My natural tendency is not to clench my fists and defend, but rather to retreat and give space. I don't know which is better.

But maybe the world is actually in need of both. The fighters and the peace seekers. Fighters breed needed change and growth, and peace makers satiate and cultivate habitats where those fight-induced changes can flourish. So I guess they're both needed.

Just try not to forget; whether you're fighting for change or your cultivating growth, at the end of the day, it's about people. It's not about winning, and it's not about perfecting. It's about loving and improving people. And if we want a better world, we all need each other.

Just a little food for thought.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year... FALL

I LOVE this time of year.

Just before the holiday season,

and just before the snow comes too...

Also, did yall see the SUPER MOON??

Seriously tho.

I think growing up in Texas,

where there are only really two seasons;

HOT, and rainy,

this whole in-between-seasons FALL thing

mesmerizes me every year.

Also, every time I trash talk Utah at all,

I walk outside and see stuff like THIS...

But, daaaang. #utahisgorgeous

And I think this week of the year is my favorite because,

autumn and its leaves are still hanging around,

thanksgiving dinner is coming up soon,

Christmas is just around the corner....

and football season is just about over...

haha.

Feeling real thankful.

On Being Enough

I've thought a lot about, and struggled a lot with the concept of being enough. I've listened to and read talks and studies about what defines "being enough". The funny thing is, where I've learned the most about it is actually during my experiences working as a teacher.

I always know my students are enough as soon as they walk through the classroom door. They have everything within their minds, hearts, and character to succeed. And flourish. And add to the world so much light. And actually, most of my students come into the classroom carrying some major learning roadblocks. But no matter what they have to work through or overcome, nothing is too great of a struggle to keep them from reaching their astonishing potential.

It's crazy how much this has taught me too about my own capabilities. As I have literally "preached" (if you will) the truth of individual potential to each of my students, I have found myself each time learning more and more that it's even true for me and my life! I still find this concept exceptionally difficult to grasp on some days, but the more I work and keep moving forward, the more I trust in my own capacity. And I continue to see how I am enough; how I have enough within me already, to become.

The crucial part of this concept of being enough, or whole, for me, comes from a belief that I have access to a relationship with God. That I can at any and all times access the help of an omniscient and all powerful being, who will aid me in reaching goals. And today at a world wide church teacher training meeting (say that 3 times fast), both my teaching and religious worlds collided to help me learn more about myself and the concept of being enough.


We read this verse of scripture about charity, "Wherefore, my beloved bretheren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart... that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this HOPE; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen."

I realized today that some people struggle with faith, some people struggle with humility, etc... and I struggle to have hope. I sincerely have faith that all things are possible through Heavenly Father, but I don't always have hope that my goals can be met. It sounds contradictory, but that is my fundamental struggle. This lack of hope is what causes me to feel desperate and alone, and overcome with despair and depression at times.

But I also realized today that what I do undoubtedly have faith, and what I do always hope for (despite my own cyclical trials), is a hope that I can become like the Savior. He is my closest friend and I know His character, and love and so deeply admire it. And while I don't always have hope for the aspects of my life; like hope that I will ever be able to run a marathon, or hope that there will be the vocational opportunities for me to create the life I desire for myself, or even the hope that the men I come to love will ever remain faithful and be able to be sealed to me in the temple; I DO have a piercingly bright hope that I can become like the being whom I admire the most, my brother and Savior, Jesus Christ.

And I am making it my choice now to let that hope permeate all other hopes I have, and BE ENOUGH to see me through all trials that I will face.

The only time this could become a disappointing aspiration is if I were to completely stop trying. Then I would lose my reason to hope. And while I know I am so far from perfect, and I know there are multiple times I've taken a few steps forward and then many more steps backward, I also know that I have never stopped trying. I struggle with confidence in my abilities in all areas of my life, but I realized I can be confident in the fact that I have not ever given up.

Today when Elder Holland was talking about being called or asked to serve as a teacher in the church, he said "You were called because of who you ARE, not because of who you are NOT." I had the thought too, that we are also called to help us to become what we are not already. We are constantly being given opportunities to become.

Anyway, the gospel is true, and life is so good, albeit really really hard and confusing at times. Also, people are also full of so much good and light and potential. So remember, it's never that you're not enough. You're always enough. But you also can become exponentially, inexplicably, unfathomably MORE. You just need to be willing to ask, and then keep moving forward without giving up.

They tell me dating is a numbers game...

I've heard a lot throughout my life,

and especially in the last couple of years,

that dating is JUST a numbers game.

Well, I did abominably in math in school,

and while I've tried to grasp the concept

that dating is a game all about numbers and ratios and such,

it's left me somewhat more baffled than before...

BUT,

Today I did line up these numbers:

I've had my heart broken a total of 3 times

(not like little let-downs,

but big-old HEART BREAKS)

AND,

subsequentelly,

Adele has released a total of 3 albums...

Let's talk about planets aligning, tender mercies,

meant-to-be, free therapy, etc...

I don't think I've quite mastered the

"Dating Numbers Game...."

But thank goodness for Adele.

And thank goodness someone is looking out for me.

Been Too Long

So this last year's been rough. And while I'd like to say, I love a challenge, and it's been so great to learn some more life lessons, in all reality it's really shaken me right to my core; my core of people I trust, my core of my understanding of myself, and my core of my beliefs. I've gone to all sorts of measures to hold on to those things as best as I can. I've worked and waited and gone out of my comfort zone, and then eventually I've had to relent and realize that some of those things have had to change. But today I was reminded of some aspects of truth that haven't, and won't, ever change. And it was in the middle of a completely mundane task.

This morning I was asked to go help clean the building that I attend church in each week, as happens every few months or so. I showed up a few minutes late (per usual Amanda), and started to clean the glass doors like I usually do, while the people around me were vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, and tiding up chalkboards. Everyone was casually friendly and happy to help, albeit a little groggy first thing on Saturday morning. Nothing outrageously exciting happened or was said, but while I was standing in the foyer with glass cleaner in one hand, and a heavy duty paper towel in the other, looking at the floral print couches you can find world-wide in LDS church buildings, I remembered something.

Now, I've grown up my whole life attending church in similar buildings. In fact, some of my earliest memories are of being in church meetings, or activities in these buildings. I can remember playing hide and seek behind those flowery couches, and laying on my stomach on the matching carpet to read books while my parents listened to the messages being shared. As a kid I went to primary where we sang songs, and had treats and learned about being kind to each other. I always had friends as a teenager because we had youth groups we met with throughout the week to do activities with, or sometimes even service projects. And when I moved away from home to go to college, church was a sanctuary of familiarity even when I was thousands of miles away from anyone and anything I'd grown up with. Church was a warm, and inviting constant. And I loved it there.

Lately though, that hasn't been so. A lot of the people around me have lost trust or an interest in organized religion, and since I don't live with my family any more, I now attend church by myself. Also, life has gotten more demanding over time, and much of what is preached in church asks us to change, and strive to one day become like God, which means we are striving for perfection. And I already feel far from perfect of my own volition; trying to meet work needs, and trying to work on self progression, and really trying to build relationships. Not to mention, so much of religion is centered on families, so the social aspect of church becomes a magnification of all the families and their children, or the couples who are about to start their own families, and there is an inevitable, even if unintentional, alienation of those of us who are full-blown adults who are actively involved in the workforce and community, but have yet to claim our own family unit. So it's become more of a cumbersome task lately to be involved, and to get up and go to church each week.

But while wiping down those glass doors this morning, standing in that foyer so similar to the dozens I've stood in over the years, participating in the mundane, simple task of volunteering to help clean the building, for the first time in months, I felt like I was home.

I realized I was there only because I chose to be. No person knew, or cared in the long run, that I was there. But I chose to be. And I realized I chose to, because deep down that is where I wanted to be, because of whom it does matter to. I realized that no matter what the particulars of my life, no matter how hard or confusing they get, and no matter what is going on around me, God loves me. He's my friend. And He's not a friend who picks sides, or is only a friend if I meet a certain standard. He loves me always. I was standing there in front of that crazy floral couch, and I remembered why it was that I have really come to church all my life. It is because my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ, have come to be my closest friends, and I feel their love most when I go to church.

You know those times when you get to talk on the phone with, or meet up for dinner with a friend you haven't seen in years, and you get to talking, and it feels like no time has passed? And despite the fact that your lives are completely different than they used to be when you knew each other before, you still have a deep, devoted love and respect for each other? And your heart is full, and your life is the better for it? And then you always end the conversation with the promise that you'll keep in touch more often? That's how I felt leaving the church building today.

I don't know exactly what the switch was, and I know life will continue to be a challenge. But now, for some reason, today, it is clear to me that I know God, that He knows me, and that I want Him to be a regular part of my life. So I'll overlook the discomfort that sometimes arises, and go to church tomorrow because I want to. Because I want to continue to know God.

"Spirituality, our true aim, 

is the consciousness of victory over self 

and of communion with the Infinite. 

Spirituality impels one to conquer difficulties 

and acquire more and more strength. 

To feel one’s faculties unfolding 

and truth expanding the soul 

is one of life’s sublimest experiences. "

1996: Me and Soph at my baptism

"The Purple Hour" In the Hazy Light of Healing

You know that time of evening

where the sun has almost just set

but a tiny glimmer of its light remains

still

all the shops have turned on lights

and their neon rainbow melds

with hazy lingering slivers of sunlight

a few hours earlier is deemed by photographers

"the golden hour"

but this hour is less golden;

more characterized by indigo's and purples

than golds

I found myself driving tonight during this "purple hour"

in a city I'd promised to hate since I was a kid

in the heart of that very city

the one I live in currently

but promised I never would

I made the trek here three years ago

once plan 'A' fell apart in a blunder;

I was trepidatious at first

but still jumped in with both feet

and soon found myself making a life

nesting into jobs and friends and favorite grocery stores

and this city turned out to be everything it promised to be;

tenatious

and eager

yet old fashioned

and odd;

a place with no place for me

and lately I've been hurt by it

and I've been tired of it

and I've needed space from this place

that's left me with some scars

But I was driving through it

tonight in that indigo hour

and the summer wind and neon lights and fireworks stands

filled me

lightened me

reminded me

excited me...

That restaurant where I had my birthday

that welcomes you like a scene from

an old black and white film

that street where we all danced

unabashed and unafraid

dressed as dinosaurs and princesses and villians

that row of houses

where the trees are a hundred years old

and so many of my students live

that one place

with great fries and salads

where friends have planned futures

and laughed

and cried

that street lamp

that he kissed me under

and I kissed him back

those twists and turns of sidewalk

where I tried to run

but usually just briskly walked

and counted my steps

and strengthened my pace

and pushed my limits

that building

where history still stands

and brick looks grand

and grandma and grandpa

had their 50th wedding anniversary

the temple that burned but was so lovingly rebuilt

lit up in a warming buttery light

that pierced through the darkening

--this one filled me most--

with hope of rebuilding

and excited my very core

with what's to come

And suddenly I realized,

I'd forgiven it

that though it had misplaced me 

and been unwelcoming of me

I have finally embraced the city

and it finally embraced me

Have you ever let a place help heal you?

Well,

thank you, you odd, old fashioned city

for teaching as you have

for letting me learn by trial and error

and leaving me with scars to remember by

but also with an embracing of love and faith and hope

my soul's all warm and fuzzy

and ready to be okay with where I am

in this city

in this life

in this time

So here's to that purple hour

that magical, hazy, healing hour;

it's when the sun sets on yesterday,

and you're on your way towards

tomorrow.