Monday Musings

I sometimes feel like I've simultaneously been living in two realities my whole life. One that consists of getting good grades and eating green vegetables and remembering to get the oil changed in my car. This reality is where goals are met and progress is made and physical and emotional muscles are built. The other end of the spectrum though is where night time snow flurries look like sparkles under a spot-light-like streetlamp and the John Mayer (circa 2003) playing on my iPhone begs me to choreograph a dance in place of a walk home. This reality makes colors more saturated, all the world a stage, and each experience another opportunity to write a whimsical account for a children's book.

Do you think the two worlds will ever collide? Is part of growing up this ultimate fade out of fantasy into reality? Or is there some happy medium where we can snake the drain and pay off our student loans, but do all that with a smear of choral lipstick in bluish purple jewel-toned light while humming to a La-La Land-esque melody?

I have always been a daydreamer. Just ask my grandpa about how I'd "talk to the trees"; he always got a kick out of that. Or ask my mom how many hours I'd dance to the Nutcracker as a 4 year old. My walls have always been covered with pictures and magazine clippings, and I can't help but snap photographs wherever I go and whatever I do. I was even an art major once upon a time in college before I switched to Child Development.

However, my life in the last few years has slipped into a much more linear, realistic existence. Relationship realities have caused tried and true "chick flicks" to lose all savor, and even I've gone days, sometimes weeks, so entrenched in my work and school responsibilities that I forget belt out a good Adele or Barbra Streisand ballad in my car or the shower. I've even started wearing all black ensembles on a regular basis because they're easy to pick out and style... Seriously, who I am though??

I do also acknowledge that the world we live in leaves very little space or time for anyone to regularly be swept up in the artistically-enhanced fantasy version of life.


 However, some of the people I admire the most, who are happy, content, satiated, and who consistently brighten my life, are the people that refuse to settle for a life simply of deadlines and realities, and embrace the beauties of the details in their lives. From literally stopping to smell the roses, to taking a jump rope class at the YMCA, to wearing colors and styles that are out of place but true to their personality, to opening a bakery, to moving to their favorite city, to living as an artist, to writing a screenplay, to starting a band, they live their truth boldly and brightly. Their happiness is contagious so there's got to be something to this method right?

Well I guess this is an attempt at utilizing the artistic side of my brain again; (even though in my grad school neurology class I learned the whole left/right side brain isn't completely accurate, haha) me writing this fairly flowery, overly-descriptive, adjective saturated blog post about the colorful, sparkly, musical fantasies in my head in an attempt to start to reconnect with my abilities to create the beautiful life...

In other words, anyone want to go to a museum??

Or to a limited-release movie at a theater that only senior citizens attend??

Or plan a trip??

Or take a walk during the "golden hour" and admire how the light sparkles on the water??

Text me, yall. I'm off to paint something.
Or find a new museum.
Or watch Dream Girls. Because, Beyoncé. And sparkles.

An Open Letter to (us) Ladies who don't get asked on dates

Dear Ladies,

This morning I woke up hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, and not just because I am used to waking up painfully early, and today was a holiday and I set my alarm for much later. I was unable to stay asleep because the thoughts in my head were so loud, and those thoughts have been more and more prevalent lately as this has been the topic of discussion with an alarmingly large group of my absolutely wonderful friends, so I've decided to share these thoughts here in an attempt to quiet them (and maybe be able to sleep through the night), and also in hopes to open the discussion further with people who are maybe embarrassed to bring it up.

So to the ladies who don't get asked on dates; this is to you. And first of all, I feel ya. It's been a solid two years since someone has said the words "I'd like to take you on a date" and purposely sent them in my direction. Technically, once during those two years, I was asked on a date accidentally (long story), and once I was asked over for a dinner party at someone's house and when I showed up, it was just him... so maybe you can count that as a date. I don't know.

Due to these stats, I've personally been doing this thing lately where I've taken inventory of how many of my roommates have been asked on dates and how frequently, and then looked around at the number of coworkers who are married or in serious relationships, and then I've even looked back to think how many dates my siblings/cousins/married friends went on before they got married and I'm like.... the odds are NOT in my favor. Like, can you even create "odds" with zero data??

First of all, DON'T do that. Comparison is the thief of joy. Second, I have learned some important lessons while trying to sift through these realities and how they make me feel, and YOU AND I NEED TO REMEMBER these three things;

1) Finding a compatible companion (or even date for Friday night) actually is statistically really difficult  (it's not just you).

2) It's not that YOU are not enough [enter any and all descriptors and qualification measurements here] to be sought after and dated, it's that the timing is wrong. 

3) Don't worry so much about it because your worth will NEVER be defined by your relationship status, it will be defined by your character and your integrity.


The odds are not in your favor:
I don't know about you, but I know I am really good at working hard. Give me a task or project, and I'll kill it. I'll put my heart and soul and health and wellness on the line to do my best job (exhibit A: Graduate School, and the 75 hour weeks that have been happening lately). The same goes for relationships. When I have made the choice to care about someone romantically (long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away before this date drought), I have totally put my heart into the act of loving that person. The difference between grad school and a relationship though, is that MY choices and actions concerning work and school produce the outcome. Relationships however, only work if both sides put in an equal effort and have an equal investment in the success of the relationship. So if you're married, take a minute to appreciate that you and your spouse found each other at a time when you were both open to a relationship, you both liked each other simultaneously, and you even both decided to alter the entire course of the rest of your life to commit yourselves to each other... seriously, like what are the odds of that happening with two random human beings walking the face of the earth?? It's really not as easy as the movies make it look. There are SO many factors from all sides of dating equations as to why they might now be happening right now. Just remember that YOU are not the only factor.



"It's all about the timing":
As cliché as this sounds, it is SO true. Life is a constant ebb and flow of overwhelming responsibility and then times where you have the free space to make change and set new goals and open your life up to something like a relationship. Sometimes, there isn't time for dating because the rest of life takes up too much space. Sometimes work gets in the way, sometimes it's family commitments, sometimes school, sometimes other relationships are crucial in your own personal progression to help you to become who you need to be. I haven't experienced this in my life yet, but I've watched a lot of people around me experience the magic of things FINALLY lining up the way that they need to in order for a relationship to progress, and most of them will tell you it's worth the wait. And the waiting can be a pretty sweet space of time (for example; my valentines this year were my kindergarten students, and it was the cutest thing ever.)



"This does not define you."
The hardest part of this not-dating thing for me is the well-meaning questions that people who love me most ask about my dating habits. Half of me wants to yell "Because no one wants to date me!!!" and the other half wants to scream "Because ain't nobody got time for that!!! I've got stuff I've got to get done!!!" And ultimately, as much as I love and admire these people, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what they think. It doesn't matter if I always show up to weddings by myself, it doesn't matter that I'm the only one in the group that doesn't get asked on a date. What matters is that I treat people with kindness, with love, with respect, and greet them with open arms. It matters that I don't get down on myself or anyone else because of my dating status. It matters that I keep working hard and improving myself. It matters that I become the best version of Amanda as is possible. You and I are only defined by the limits we place on ourselves.




So anyway, I LOVE YOU and think you are great. Keep doing you. Keep changing the world. Don't sit around wait for Mr. Right, because he may be occupied at the moment, but DO keep improving and building more meaningful relationships and reaching out to help and love other people. Life can be full of meaning and pure joy... even when you have to take yourself to the movies.

So much love,
Amanda








PS-Men, ask us ladies you wouldn't usually ask out on a date. We're freaking amazing and you're missing out.

30 Lessons Learned in (almost) 30 Years

It's been awhile. I've been writing a lot in this last year, but mostly in the form of lesson plans and student reports, and I have a big research paper on neurology and education coming up in a few months... but I don't think any of those things would be particularly exciting to share here. (However, I am pretty excited about writing that research paper, so you can ask me about it if you want.) Grad School is kinda rad. Suuuuper hard, but kind of the best thing.

It has also been on my mind though, that a million years ago when I started this blog, I was pretty inspired by another blogger (whose name I'm embarrassingly having a hard time remembering) who had recently turned 30, and did a post called "30 Lessons I've Learned in 30 Years". I promptly followed this inspiration to write a "24 Lessons I've Learned in 24 Years" post, which made me feel old and wise and accomplished. I probably did this because for some reason didn't think I'd reach 30, or that by the time I was turning 30, that I'd be rich, retired, and at the very least married and/or occupied with more important matters than to take the time to actually contribute my own version of this 30-year-old-milestone-blog-post to the internet.

Alas, here we find ourselves. I'm definitely not any of the above mentioned things yet (except maybe occupied with more important matters, but writing this seemed a lot more fun tonight than writing lesson plans...), BUT, my life has been filled with many more a learning opportunity since my first attempt at this post 6 years ago, so I thought I'd take the time to document the big ones.

So here goes nothing; these are 30 Lessons I've learned in my (almost) 30 years:

1) Eyebrows are important. They change the look of your face. (And Adele, Adele is also important.)

2) Flossing your teeth is also important. Don't forget it; it's not worth the cavities.

3) Sleep is precious.

4) Self-care is also important. Getting a massage, paying extra for a skin care regimen or hair care products, etc. is not selfish if it helps you feel your best. Because when you feel your best, you're more apt do your best work in whatever sphere of influence you find yourself.

5) Nothing feels better than working really, really hard. No matter what task, relationship, or problem is at hand.

6) Do what you love.

7) Figure out what you are passionate about. It makes all the other mundane and challenging stuff worth it. (I'm passionate about teaching students with learning disabilities, Barbra Streisand, and the royal family; relenting to my true passions on these matters has brought a lot of joy into my life)

8) Take your time. No need to rush. (Said the girl who will finish Grad School 10 years after she started talking about going.)

9) Be kind. Always. There are actually very few exceptions to this.

10) Listen. You don't know what (or who) you'll miss if you don't.

11) Say thank you. Like, everywhere, all the time. It makes a difference.

12) Hold the door for strangers. And friends.

13) Look people in the eye.

14) Pay attention.

15) Look up; from your phone, and instead of being embarrassed or discouraged, and also look up at the sun, at the future, at any source of light and hope.

16) Find the light. (Not just important for good photography.)

17) Create your beautiful life. Make your life as wonderful as you can.

18) Create balance; work hard to be happy and healthy, just like you work hard to be successful.

19) Set goals constantly. (And re-set them just as consistently)

20) Always have a plan B. And C.

21) "Do hard things."

22) When you're ready, move outside of your comfort zone.

23) Ask for help. (This is a big "move outside of your comfort zone" move for me.)

24) Don't let fear stop you.

25) Don't let disappointment halt your progress.

26) It's okay to feel your feelings. You'll feel them eventually anyway, so just let them out. Be sad. Be angry. Cry. Get frustrated. Also fall madly, deeply in love. Be crazy passionate about things. Open your heart enough to feel things that make you happy cry.

27) Try new things. And always be prepared to fail. It's okay to fail miserably. It's okay to try again. It's okay to totally scrap an idea or aspiration and even admit to failure, it's just not okay to stop making progress. Like Walt Disney said, "KEEP MOVING FORWARD". You'll get there. I promise.

28) Rely on something bigger than yourself.

29) Acknowledge your inabilities and weaknesses, and address them.

30) But also know that you're enough; always remember that you have yet immeasurable worth, and you actually can do ANYthing you set your mind to.











**Cue: Tim McGraw's "In My Next 30 Years"**

Jimmy-Fallon-Style Thank You Notes

[This post is mean to be read like a Jimmy Fallon "thank you notes" segment]

Dear BYU,

Thank you

For denying me acceptance to your school. Twice. Because I'm still not over how much I love BYU Idaho and going to Grad School in Boston, MA instead of Provo, UT is probably the coolest thing that will happen to my life. Ever.





Dear every boy I've ever fallen in love with who hasn't loved me back,

Thank you

For giving me the chance to realize that I don't need you AT ALL to be loved, validated, appreciated, and considered enough. I can do that all on my own.





Dear particular boy who really hurt my heart,

Thank you

For being the Warner to my Elle Woods.

Dear Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome,

Thank you

For teaching me that a healthy body takes many forms (and sizes and weights), and to admire health and wellness over skinniness and other physical traits.





Dear Depression,

Thank you

For helping me understand what a dementor attack feels like...
Haha. Juuuuuust kidding. Sort of.
Thank you for teaching me to laugh at absolutely everything I can. Because laughing is a good ab workout and a great defender of hope. Also, thank you for teaching me to bask in the sunlight when it's around.





Dear Netflix, bubble baths, and chocolate treats,

Thank you

For existing.




LOVE,

You always have control of TWO things; your ATTITUDE, and your OUTFIT

This kind of feels like
a grown-up dress-up post...

...but it was really fun, hahaha!

It was inspired by my favorite season,

my love for fashion,

the desire to dress up on my day off,

and a PROMO CODE from MIEROGLYPHS

where this adorable plaid and gold bracelet is from!!

Tell them I sent you by using the promo code: AMANDA20

and you'll get 20% off your entire order!

They have really cute patterns to choose from,

and my favorite part is that you can add any quote to the inside.

I've been living by this one lately,

"What if you fail,

Oh, but my darling,

what if you fly?"

...and it's nice to have it to carry around with me now!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING YALL!

Fighters

I admire the fighters. The ones who push through and break out and challenge the wrong. I've watched them all my life in awe and admiration. Passion fuels them, drives them, and moves them. It pushes them do debate and defend with tenacity and vehemence.

I used to think I was too scared to be a fighter. And maybe that was true. The kids that bullied me in elementary school--I admit I was scared to stand up to them. But it wasn't too long before I grew out of the fear. Eventually, I realized I'd just rather not fight. I'd rather wait patiently, until awkwardness pierced the silence, and the bully's mean intensity dissipated. I'd rather create a safe space around me and my friends where we could feel the most happiness. I craved peace not justice, so I'd rather keep to myself.  I've watched a lot of people around me and wondered why they even wanted to fight. I've felt a lot that same way this last week.

Life has taught me it is crucial though to stand up for yourself and those you know have unmet needs; otherwise some basic needs never get met. People and life with drain you dry if you don't stop them. And some people are just cruel and vicious in their need to be powerful and correct. Those people need to be reminded they aren't allowed to be like that. So a level of fight is a part of life. But find myself still wondering at the need to fight. Although, that's just me. My natural tendency is not to clench my fists and defend, but rather to retreat and give space. I don't know which is better.

But maybe the world is actually in need of both. The fighters and the peace seekers. Fighters breed needed change and growth, and peace makers satiate and cultivate habitats where those fight-induced changes can flourish. So I guess they're both needed.

Just try not to forget; whether you're fighting for change or your cultivating growth, at the end of the day, it's about people. It's not about winning, and it's not about perfecting. It's about loving and improving people. And if we want a better world, we all need each other.

Just a little food for thought.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year... FALL

I LOVE this time of year.

Just before the holiday season,

and just before the snow comes too...

Also, did yall see the SUPER MOON??

Seriously tho.

I think growing up in Texas,

where there are only really two seasons;

HOT, and rainy,

this whole in-between-seasons FALL thing

mesmerizes me every year.

Also, every time I trash talk Utah at all,

I walk outside and see stuff like THIS...

But, daaaang. #utahisgorgeous

And I think this week of the year is my favorite because,

autumn and its leaves are still hanging around,

thanksgiving dinner is coming up soon,

Christmas is just around the corner....

and football season is just about over...

haha.

Feeling real thankful.